Goddamnlordyjesuschrist
I haven't posted ANYTHING since August. I haven't posted a journal since July. Wow. I don't even want to fill in anything about my life because chances are you don't know me and you don't really know my past. We're not old friends that need to catch up or anything. But it honestly feels that way.
Let me just list all the "awesome"/really horrible things happening in my life right now:
1. Yestereday my boyfriend hungout with this girl I don't know (who has a reputation) and I had to find out over facebook. Now...I've never not been cheated on so of course I was extremely upset. It's not like he was trying to hide it, when I asked him what he did that day he told me straight up that he hung out with her. But he still seriously broke my trust and I don't want to be as lenient as I usually am. There is no way I'm being cheated on again. Because if that happens...I don't know I'll probably just live in my bed crying till I can't anymore.
2. I'm gaining weight by the second. I started birth control again (even though now I'm not having sex because I don't trust my boyfriend), I eat all the time and I don't have the time to work out as much as I used to. I used to go to the gym every other day with 3 dance classes a week, now I workout like twice a week, at home, and that means on my treadmill watching tv, not even running. I used to be so fit.
3. GAHHH All my hair got chopped off yesterday. It was one of the most upsetting things that has happened to me recently. So I dyed it black again and now I look like an asian soccer mom which is really flattering to my growing figure.
4. I'm so so so so so so stressed! I have finals next week, I'm trying to take a million notes all at once, finish a 16 page paper for my business class, study for the SATs, get started on my law paper and not get ANY C's. I took a nap today and woke up freaking out because I wasted 2 and a half hours of study time.
I absolutely hate that our whole lives are judged off of high school. That's pretty much it. The decisions we make now, whether it be the people we hang out with, the teachers we favor and the grades we get - all of those decisions will follow us for the rest of our lives. That's so much pressure for a 17 year old!
Junior year, I'd always heard was the hardest but I never really believed it. No matter how hard I try it won't ever be where I want. Haha just like my weight.
I shouldn't complain about that. I'm a size 2. But I used to do bikini competitions so now I think I can say my body sucks compared to what it used to be. I never won those stupid contests anyway.
Great, now I've wasted 20 minutes ranting on about how stressed I am when i should be studying for my Algebra 2 test or doing my American Lit homework. Or looking at colleges, or checking my grades.
All I want is enough time to be able to deal with all things calmly and disperse all the pressure that is being loaded onto me every second.
I miss writing so much. I keep a poetry journal I just don't have the time to write it on here anymore. I haven't writtten in it in 2 weeks anyway. God, this sucks.
"Well don't you take it so hard baby and don't you cry. You cross your hard heart and you hope to die. Don't you tell me no more lies. You lied all the time."
Sorry guys. I'm breaking down.
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