Is This a Life Worth Living?

I wonder sometimes, how is it possible to feel so alone when surrounded by so many others. I mean sure I have my friends, and of course they make me happy. I love being around them and talking to them. They can cheer me up and are there for me when I need them. But I still feel as if somethings missing. I can be happy for a moment, but as soon as I'm alone....it's as if it never happened.

My mind will begin to wander and suddenly I can't recall a time when I truly felt happy. I'm always telling myself things will get better, I'll change and become happy. But it still has yet to happen. There are times I just want to leave and start over somewhere new. Maybe I'll make some new friends, people who will like me for who I am. Those people are a rarity these days. Of course there are my friends whom I love dearly and I know I can talk to about everything. But still something is holding me back from doing so. I feel as if they would hate me if I told them how I truly feel inside.

I've always been a shy person, always afraid to speak my mind in fear that it will upset someone. I'm afraid to talk to people. Once I get to know someone I am able to relax. But I'm not really much of a people person. At least not 'in person'. I'm perfectly content texting or writing with someone. But I'm always afraid something stupid will come out of my mouth and I'll end up alone. It's embarrassing.

I've lost count of the number of times I've cried myself to sleep because of the loneliness and emptyness I feel. I hate myself for being so pathetic and weak. I cry when I read, I cry when I write, and I cry when I listen. I feel as if I can fit my life into a song and yet I've never actually felt...anything. I've never felt love, true happiness, or anything really. I feel as if I live my life just going through the motions of each day just because. It's as if I'm completely and eternally numb.

My family. When I even attempt to get on this topic its as if the weight of the world is on my shoulders. My older brothers are never around. I'm afraid to talk to them anymore just for the fact that they're more like strangers to me than family. My sister and I never got along, we're less than a year apart in age yet I feel as if we couldnt even be from the same universe. We spent our days fighting and insulting, the insults coming from her more than me just for the fact that I was always too afraid to speak my mind. My little brother and I fight almost as much as my sister and I. I want to be a good role model to him but i just cant seem to do anything roght. My dad, he's always put himself above others. I guess that's why I try so hard. I try to be selfless, and at the end of the day I guess that's what hurts me the most. If I can't make my family happy, why would I deserve to be?

Love is the one thing I seem to desire most. And yet I don't even know what it is. I've never had a real relationship. I've had crushes and such but nothing ever happens. Either I'm to shy to act on it or I just feel like it's not worth the time, effort, or pain. I'm terrified of love, but still desperate for someone to love me. As if I'm not pathetic enough.

I live my life in a fantasy. Reading is one of my three escapes. It allows me to be someone else if only for a few hours. Writing allows me to pretend my life is how I want it. It allows me to be in control of something. Music helps me let out my feelings and frustrations. It is the most important thing in my life. It allows me to FEEL. It's the one thing I have to look forward to when I wake up in the morning. It's the one constant in my life. The only thing I can truly depend on.

But yet at the end of the day I still wonder,

Is my life worth living for?