I'm Still Here.

Everything feels like it’s falling apart. It seems as if it’s all linked into a wall of bricks that appears to grow heavier as it rests on my shoulders. I watch quietly as I start to slowly crumble beneath the wall’s foundation - my hands held high as every block of crimson-colored clay is added to the top.

I’ll admit it - I’ve given up a long ago. I’m deteriorating quickly and no one even realizes it – my friends, my family, no one. I fall apart at the snap of a finger, I’ve failed to show any sort of affection, I snap back towards almost everyone who seems to cross my way and honest to god, I haven’t been able to cope with nearly anything that comes remotely close to breaking my heart. It’s like I’ve become cold, brittle stone. It gets lonely like this and lord knows that I won’t ever be able to voice these feelings out completely. I’m so far beyond broken – that nothing seems to catch my eye anymore. It’s even gotten physical. The thoughts turn into rapid heartbeats, the heartbeats turn into headaches, the headaches turn into shallow breathing and the breathing eventually turns into never-ending tears. It’s all so fragile – so unsympathetic, and so empty. And I’m so exhausted of feeling this way.

I want to go back. I need to go back. I want to return to the times where I was actually happy with myself, with everyone and everything around me – back to when I actually used to smile and laugh. God, I don’t even remember how that truly feels. You may say that I have dug this hole I’m in, myself – but really, I don’t know what part of me is at fault, exactly. The hole in my heart has been filled with nearly everything that has made me who I am right now – and it’s all I’ve been holding onto. If I let it go, who will I be then? It scares me to death. It’s as if my feet are frozen solid and I’m just standing still – hoping for the silent breeze to just sweep me away onto a path that’ll lead me to a better future. I know that being like this has pushed a few people that I care about away, so, until then, I’ll just say ‘I’m sorry.’

More than a number of people have told me that it’ll get better, that I’M the person who can change how things are. Trust me, I’ve attempted that. I want to get out. However, the only thing I’m afraid of - is being abandoned by those who I need the most. I feel like this is just a joke to my family – like they don’t realize that inside, I’m actually breaking apart. When I actually change back to the happy-go-lucky version of myself, I fear that they won’t even notice. They just stand there and criticize me with words that seem like daggers, without realizing that it hurts. I just need them to be there for me – to just listen. My friends? I’ve refused to call them “friends” because they don’t seem as if they could give a shit about me. The few people that I’ve cherished to death and who have actually been there for me – I feel like I’m losing grip of them. I’ve felt like a burden to everyone and I mean, just help me, please. I just need a little more time. Even a simple conversation will help ease the worry. Just be there for me and see that somewhere inside, I’m still here. One day, I’ll show that you that I can be happy. I promise.

[c] UnbreakMe;
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