Can't talk

A good friend and I had a serious talk quite a while ago and he said some things about me that as soon as the words left his mouth, I realized they were absolutely true. One of those things he pointed out was that I am afraid of relationships. And tonight I've been thinking on that.

I am afraid of relationships because I am afraid of getting hurt. I am afraid of getting too close to someone and putting a lot of trust in them. The last time i really trusted a boyfriend, we were only close in the physical sense, and when he broke up with me, it was like that trust was thrown aside and buried. With the male I'm with now, we're not very physical and I really like that because it's different from that last male. But when I want to talk to him about something serious, I write it down and give it to him in a way that I'm not there when he reads it. I'm not there when he reacts; I'm in a way hiding. When I start talking instead of writing it, I'm stuttering all over the place and skimming and just confusing the hell out of him. It's because I'm afraid of getting too close.

I'm also afraid of not being good enough. With my first boyfriend, I'm certain he had broken up with me because of when he asked every time to do things, I said no. I just wasn't ready. When I was with the next boyfriend, previously mentioned, that was almost all we did. We had been really good friends before and the beginning of the relationship was good but it soon turned into every time we were together, we were doing something sexual. But he broke up with me out of the blue one day. He soon got together with this other girl he knew. To me (and some other people), she sounded annoying and she wasn't all that great looking and she was a senior while he was a sophmore. And when I saw them together, I was always thinking: what does she have that I don't, what does she do that I didn't, why does he like her more than me? So now with this male, I'm constantly worrying about things like how my hair looks and how my outfit looks and what he's thinking about me or what his reaction is to something I just said. I'm afraid of not being good enough for him.

I'm not used to being really close to people either. The only person who is extremely close to me is my bestest bestest friend, who for this journal I'm using her nickname, Rogue. She's the only person I fully trust to know anything about me. I want to be close to my boyfriend, especially since he's not really into the sexual stuff this soon in the relationship, but I'm scared at even the idea of letting someone other than Rogue getting that close to me. I'm scared of what he'll think about all the stuff surrounding my depression. I'm scared of what he'll think if he finds out how....dirty i guess the word is, my mind is and I am. He's just so innocent when it comes to sexual stuff and I've done sooo much more than him that I'm afraid of tainting him lol. But I don't know how he'd react to that and....-shrug- idk, I just.........i'm just afraid. i really like him, heck I've already been able to tell him I love him and I don't tell people that lightly, and i'm afraid of messing up or not being good enough.

I don't know. I just had to write this. i was going to just do this in drafts and save it for me but I was thinking that maybe there are other people that are like me and are also afraid of things like this. So......idk, I guess that's it. Hopefully I'll get better at the talking thing. I've told him that if he really wants me to explain or talk about something, that he needs to push me to say it outloud so I can work on it. Sometimes pushing is all I need.