I'm the worst

Idunno what to make of this.
Last night, things got crazy. I kissed my friend, who's a girl, for half a second. It was basically a peck on the lips.
My mom does that all the time with her friend.
My boyfriend says it was cheating.
He now hates me, I think.
I wouldn't really know what he thinks, I just know that I hate me.
I wanna be reckless and thrash around and hurt myself.
I hurt him and I feel like the worst person in the world.
Idunno what to do.
Idunno if he forgave me or not, but he's here. He talks to me and looks at me.
He doesn't touch me, though. He doesn't show me that he forgives me, or loves me.
I'm lost without him. He's my world. Idunno what I'd do if he left me.
I'd die.