This is not happening.

I used to be an optimist. Not anymore. I'd hate to say I'm a pessimist even. I'm not anything. I feel like I'm just standing still, watching helplessly as different parts of my life crumble.

One of my closest friends was just diagnosed with a rare form of liver cancer. Cancer. That's for old people. This seems like a horrible joke. She seems totally fine. Cancer? Are you kidding me?

Even just the word itself... cancer. It sounds so final. It's like a stamp in permanent ink, like the banging of a gavel.

This girl is undoubtedly one of the sweetest girls I've ever met. She loves God and cooking and children. She wants to become a physical therapist.

I feel so useless. All I can do is just sit here and wait, fearing the worst. I can't even think about it. I can't imagine it. I just keep saying it'll be okay.

But will it? I've been praying and praying ever since she told me they found a large growth on her liver, but the test results keep coming back with bad news.

This isn't happening, right? I'm supposed to live in an apartment with her next year. We even talked about backpacking across Europe together. She's one of the few people in my life who will drop anything to help me.

But what now? How can I help her? I want to rip out that freaking tumor myself. I'd give her my liver if I could. I've been praying for her and called her today to talk to her, but I feel like it's not enough. Why am I always so powerless to help the ones I love? Why can't I do anything?