today

the life i'm choosing to live isn't one of my own happiness but no it's for the satisfaction of others. the ones who never want to see my happy. for the one's who never know my truely feelings. they take this smile and laughter as a sign that everything is okay but in reality i'm at constant war with myself. everyone says the confident route is the way to go. how can i take if i'm being constantly brought down and making it seem like i'm not pretty enough. like, i can't do this on my own and with no help from my mother what's so ever. she's more concerned about her looking good for her man than what's really important to me being healthy. no one in this house gives a damn about me, sometimes i just feel like the illegal immigrant staying at someone's house to hide from the police and that everyone has to deal with and take care of. like i honestly only feel pure joy with certain people and even then thay joy is limited due to me worrying whether they're going to hurt me like the rest of the people in my life has. sometimes i just feel like the ugly duckling of my family, i'm not skinny like my sisters or mom and i'm not pretty like them. i'm not social at all and i feel like it's a drag to be around me. i just wish i was everything they wanted me to be and maybe just maybe i wouldn't have to feel this way because then i'd be exceptable in their eyes.