I Need To Stop Thinking

I'm incredibly insecure.

Just want to get that out first. I over-think everything, even the slightest details because I feel like I don't deserve a lot of things, or that I'm not good enough for them. Even still, I still take what I think I don't deserve because I just want to be happy. I may not be a confident person, but I try not to let it affect me too much. But it does; it really does.

I was talking with my girlfriend today. I was just at her house earlier with our friend; it was a lot of fun. But when I was talking to her today when I got home, she seemed maybe a little angry. It's hard to read emotions over internet chat, but you can sort of tell with her. Anyway, she was telling me about how her ex-girlfriend was trying to connect with her again. It was a friend request on facebook, it was stupid, but why would she want to connect with my girlfriend after this? This girl broke my girlfriend, literally. I don't think she was the same after that relationship. And apparently, this girl has tried to be friends a few times. That's also weird. And it also scares me.

I'm really shy, along with not being confident. And I'm also really timid. Felt like I should get that out there, too.

I bring that up because, since I'm secretly shy and timid, the stuff I hear about this girl from my girlfriend really scares me. I don't think my girlfriend is over this girl; at least not completely. I was out skating with her once, and with our friend Sky. She and Sky were talking about some girl they saw earlier, and Sky said that my girlfriend was going to dream about her, but then my girlfriend said that she only dreams about band members and me. After she said me, though, she said "and my ex". I didn't think much of it because her ex left her because her ex realized she was straight (that whore), so it didn't bother me at first. But, oh... an hour afterwards, it started to bug me. And it still does.

I hate my body and how I look. I don't find myself attractive at all. This needs to be said, as well.

I'm really scared that my girlfriend isn't over her ex. I mean, her ex was a whore, a bitch, and a complete backstabber, but my girlfriend was in love with her. I mean, you don't break this badly after breaking up with someone you don't care for a lot. And so, out of curiosity, I looked at pictures of her ex. I'd seen her in passing a few times, but I didn't get the chance to really just look at her. When I saw her picture, I pretty much hated myself. She's really, really pretty. I wouldn't call her stunning, but I wouldn't say she wasn't good to look at. That was another thing this girl had over me - she's attractive. My shot self-image pretty much wept when I saw her picture, not because she was prettier than me, but because I could pretty much see why she would be hard to get over. She's really pretty, she must have been kind and good at one point, and... I don't know. It just made sense.

I think that I'm really easy to leave behind. I have abandonment issues. This, I think, is the most important.

I'm really just writing this to get this out of my head. However, this really does hold some merit, I think. We've been dating for only a month, but I'm already so attached to her. She never leaves my mind ever, I love talking to her, being with her, pretty much everything. But this I just can't shake. I mean, I know what it's like to not be able to get over someone. I couldn't get over this one girl who I thought meant everything to me; it took me a long time to realize that I was wasting my time. I finally got over her when I met my current girlfriend. I think maybe that's why I'm so attached to her now. I love her and she means everything to me, but she also saved me from the terrible depression that came with not being able to get over this one girl. That girl I couldn't get over? She ripped me apart. I was pretty much being strung along for a year, and I couldn't get myself to stop. A fucking year of my life, wasted because I was just so smitten with this girl. And with everything that girl did, I would hate myself even more. My girlfriend now saved me from that. I got out of that terrible place I was in because I met her and I decided that I was done being pushed aside by someone else who obviously didn't care about me anymore. So this... my girlfriend... I seriously think she isn't over her ex. I don't think she can leave it in the past. It was her first relationship, so I guess I can understand, but at the same time I guess I can't. I mean, I can't expect her to just get over her because I know how hard that is, but I also can't expect her to keep holding on to this girl when I let go of the girl I was so attached to so I could be with her. Is that selfish? I don't know.

Maybe this is really all in my head. I'm not completely sure. But... I mean from what she's like when she talks about her, and that whole 'she still dreams about her' thing? I'm pretty convinced. And it hurts a lot. She tells me she loves me all the time, but... I think she might just be with me in an attempt to get over this other girl. At least, it feels that way. And then I also feel sort of angry - I got over a girl I was pining over for a year, maybe longer, for her. I just wish she could do the same. But I mean, I'm pretty ready to give my girlfriend my whole heart, but now I don't know what to do because I feel like she wont return the favor. How can I give myself to someone who can't, or at least wont, do the same for me? I don't know... I just... I love her, and she says she loves me back. Maybe that's good enough for now, but it will always bother me. I don't know whether to confront her about it or not, but I can't stop thinking about it. I'm not sure this is going to go away.