Well, I Wish Things Were Okay...

I feel trapped.

Everything in my life seems to be out of place in some way. The different aspects of it are just running away from each other and then back again. My mind can’t decide between extreme sadness and actually being happy that I’m alive. My mind can’t decide if my body actually looks okay once and for all, or it’s completely disgusting and I’ll sell my soul to look the way I want to.

I remember this moment last year between me and a teacher of mine. He was easily one of the best teachers I’ve ever had. He cared more about his students than the money he was making, and put effort into his class, trying not to make us fall asleep. Some say he was friendly, but not the greatest teacher, but I passed the Regents with flying colors, so say what you want. Anyway, he held me after class one day. He asked if I’d been eating right. He was the only person who noticed how much I was changing and cared enough to ask me about it. I was touched, because this wasn’t part of his job description. I can’t say I gave him a direct answer, but he knew well enough that he’d been right. There was the usual talk about how I was beautiful just the way I was, and if I really wanted to lose weight, I didn’t have to do it this way. But there was also the unusual, “I know you’ve heard this all before, but I’m serious.” The way he talked to me made me feel like a person. Made me feel for a moment, ‘Wow, maybe I’m not as disgusting as my mirror says I am.’ But he couldn’t fix me. No one could fix me. I’m still here, worse off than I was when my teacher spoke to me many months ago. Nothing is changing. I don’t know what to do.