That Night.

I pushed it deep down into my mind.
I just feel sick thinking about it.
Why did I go to that party?

God, what was I thinking?
I felt small compared to him.
It hurt a lot.

I said "No", but it wasn't good enough.
He kept going.
Why did no one help me?
I cried.

I felt like dirt.
Am I a whore for taking it?
I had no choice.
No where to run.

I wasn't thinking straight.
Oh God, what was that pill I took?!
That line of cocaine, three bowls of weed, and a bottle of gin.
That's all it took.

I wanted to kill him....
but I didn't even know him.

Why did I flirt with him?
Was I asking for it?
Did I set myself up for it?

Why did he keep going when I said "No!"

NO NO NO!

I kept thinking about my boyfriend.
I felt like a sacred thing had been taken from me.
Filth.
That's what I'll always feel like.

He stole what I'd been saving for someone else.
Isn't the first time supposed to be special?
One that you'll never forget?

It's one that I wanted to forget, but I couldn't forget it.
I never will.
I swear I'll kill him.
Fuck it, I never want to see his face again.

Fuck you.
You're a dirty piece of nothing.

The last thing I remember.
"You're so pretty." He said.
I felt dirty. Not pretty.
Dirty Dirty Dirty.

It's tucked away in a corner of my mind.
I pretend it doesn't exist.
Maybe if I pretend it didn't happen....it never happened.

That night changed me for the worse.
I look back and pretend it didn't happen.
No No No.

My mind just replays it.
I have nightmares about it.
He should feel like shit, but he'll never feel what I felt.

A. Worthless. Piece. Of. Crap