Not too,too sure What to Call this~

I dont eat . At all, (but when do I eat normally...like...never? xD)
However... i sleep too much. And everytime I fall asleep you are always in my mind and when I wake up to the sound of our song..you are still there. I feel so happy to be with you, you have absolutely no idea....but there is something that makes me feel sick....lost....hopeless.

You know I am a silent girl however I get quite excited, anxious, stubborn, negative and have a bad case of paranoia to anything really. From bad memories, fears and problems (ect). Behind all those "bad parts" there is my optimism, my so called "peaceful" soul, my sense of humor , my ways of understanding and my big heart. I told you tonight that you are the warmth of a home to me, you help me accept myself (slowly) for who I am and feel acepted by you and just...really happy.

But just like I said from the past I have been, shall we say...scarred? Just like all of us...but it wasn't from love or relationships or maybe it was...I'm not sure. I have always wondered (for many years) what has happened to me. Have I grown? Have I not grown? The thing is, the big point in telling you this is that from that very day when we met and on that day when you called me your best friend...something suddenly clicked inside me. That was the day, erm..that was the time when I knew something was to change in my life and boy were my assumptions right. I felt automatically closer to you. I felt everything suddenly stop in my mind. Which had me think about why I was doing this and where am I taking myself?. The thoughts of you were hundred times longer than the thoughts of rob.

Which took me (slowly) to realizing what I was doing, what I was thinking. When you told me I completed you I felt stupid when smiling from ear to ear. But..I just couldn't believe it. Then when you called me and talked about your life from ur childhood to ur love life.. I was pulled into a deeper trance. Now that...were together I'm so happy so incredibly happy and I just can't wait to actually see you, to be in your arms to actually kiss you even if that means many years of suffering.....but....there's something more to this happiness.

My negativity, my abandonment, everything from the past that created who I am today....it's all rushing in. I keep thinking that you can do a lot (and I mean A LOT) better than me..I might sound like someone familiar...but I cant help it. I also have those thoughts (okay not suicidal...but same negativity and pure annoyance&hatred towards myself) I feel that I'm not good enough, that there is someone out there that is one hundred percent...oh who am I kidding? I KNOW there's someone out there that's one hundred times better than me! I care about you more than I can care about myself. You know why I say that I love you more? Because. I cannot love myself....I forgot how to. I don't know how to embrace the good and the bad things about myself but I know (100%!) how to love you and how to embrace everything about you. Your personality also holds a great vibe but it's so great that I feel like a ...a little girl in love with a god, a king or a prince in a book that Im holding...knowing that I would never meet them because first off they are "too good to be true" and the fact that they all might already have someone waiting to be discovered by them to be their beautiful, powerful and satisfying goddess/queen/princess.

I don't ever want to loose you. (Not even as friends. It will hurt of course if I ever do loose you from my love life...but somehow I feel that it will never happen)

But this is what I always thought of myself...and probably still think of myself like this. That I'm no better than a random penny you find on the ground. To be admired and held for specific reasons but soon to be lost (no intention of course just accidental /fate) and replaced by a nickel or even a hundred dollar bill.

Yours Truley, Your "love" your "babe" your "everything"
and even though you cannot ever read this. I feel that there has been a weight that lifted off my shoulder after writing this somewhere.