I’ve been walking; empty inside.

All day i’ve felt like I’m suffocating.
- And maybe I should’ve expected that whenever I woke up from one of those dreams where I feel like I’m falling and I wake up having to catch my breath.

I keep having black dreams. And don’t tell me I’m not actually dreaming, because I am. It’s like I’m walking in just black light. And I’m not sure, but it’s like I never really get to where I’m trying to go. Maybe because I’ve been feeling pretty helpless lately.

I’m feeling nostalgic.
I miss my friends. I miss having to always figure out how to fit everyone in my schedule. I miss being so involved with everyone. I miss being around people and enjoying being a part of something. I miss staying up late nights talking about inside jokes and chain-smoking.
I miss Ashlie. I miss seeing her three or four times a week. Even if only for an hour or two. Just sitting there with her; I knew she was real because she was right in front of me. I miss her reminding me it’s all okay. That i’ll be okay.
I miss feeling so pretty. I felt so full of life again. I felt like one thing I knew for sure, that my friends and my girlfriend were the closest to me as they could be. That I was alright, that I was better than before.

And now I feel nothing even similar to anything of that.
I feel completely alone. I know that if I wanted to call a friend in the middle of the night, crying and asking to talk I wouldn’t have one to call. If I wanted to make plans, I know no one would follow through. And it would just be awkward anyways, because I’m sure they’re different now. I can’t really collect what changed from then and now. Maybe me. Maybe them. Maybe both. But it hurts. To feel so alone. I’ve been dealing with this all; like a big girl. And sometimes I just want someone to sit around with. Or just to talk to.
I hate having to tell Ashlie all my problems, because I know she has problems too. And I don’t want to burden her. But I do appreciate she listens. I just know and so does she, there’s nothing she can do about it anymore. My parents know too.
I miss Ashlie with every little atom inside my body. I would do anything just to see her for 5 minutes for a day or even just for a week. But I know I can’t, and I know that I’ll have to deal with it if I stay with her. But even more, I know that IT IS WORTH IT. Because she loves me just as much as I love her. And when I try to explain how much I love her i get nervous and my words don’t make sense because it’s un-explainable. I am greatful for Ashlie more than anyone knows; even her.

Since about September I had felt like I was really overcoming my depression. I was feeling so empowered and strong and happy and pretty.

And lately, the past month or two, i’ve been feeling everything opposite. Powerless and weak and sad and ugly.
And nearly everyday I cry because I feel so hollow and bitter and cold. It takes a toll on you to watch everything fall apart. I know this isn’t the end of the world, but when it’s hard to get out of bed or eat or talk it feels kinda similar.

I feel like everyone’s moving constantly and quickly and I’m just sitting here still and despondent.

I just want a hug from a stranger. Because if I got one from an old friend that’s exactly what it would feel like.

I can’t even write this damn post without crying. And maybe i’m being over dramatic. Or maybe it’s because I’m lonely.
But words are the only thing I’ve kept close by my side for all my life.

I want everyone to know how special they are. That they are significant to me. That every word that is said I study.

I’ve had a few months alone to realize how I feel. And I thought I needed it. But now i’m afraid it’s beginning to hurt.

Everyday I hope that I’ll wake up and it won’t be so hard to be happy.
I hope it gets easier.
And I hope I get less afraid to be afraid.

All I can think about is trying to not think.
Fighting your demons is harder than it’s written about.