how are you?

You know, confidence, self-belief, and acceptance don't come by how many compliments you receive in a day, a slew of comments on your latest default picture, or the amount of contacts you have in your cell phone (and how many of those numbers you actually call)...yeah, those things and friends can uplift us, but I've come to realize that the problem (especially with myself) is not "me not being/feeling accepted by my peers and society..blahblahblah." The real issue is that I haven't accepted myself for who I am. I contemplate this all the time. When it gets down to the soul of things...all of my problems and issues come simply from being too critical of myself to the point where I just feel so rotten inside...and I hide that alot. I don't let people in because I'm a complete mess, to be honest (literally and figuratively). I wake up every morning, and sometimes I just don't feel real. because I haven't accepted myself. I worry constantly about my weight and my head is consumed with the idea that since I struggle with myself and my obesity and since I'm "fat" I'm instantly ugly and I have to make up for it in other ways...and I'm consumed with the thought that I have to "get skinny" in any way possible (I try earnestly to combat this feeling, but sometimes I give in.). I have an issue with feeling like I could try so hard, but then I lose interest and see no point, so I give up...thus creating the fallacy in my brain that my efforts weren't enough and I can't accomplish such a feat because it just wasn't enough, when really I just lose faith in myself for a small moment. I also have a big problem with feeling like everybody's looking at me and judging me and thinking negative things about me when they don't even know the whole story. The thing is, I know that people could care less about my flaws (and if they do they aren't worth my time), and it's not them who have a problem with me, it's me who has a problem with myself...

I have a friend at school (you know who you are and if you read this- thank you) and he's an all-around cool guy. I see him treat all of his friends and peers with respect and kindness; a caring, friendly kind-of-spirit. There were a couple of times that he had asked me how I was doing like...3 times in one class period?! I was totally like "what the heck!?" I told him everytime I was good, okay, fine, alright, etc...He always said "just making sure." Well, no matter how inconspicuous the things are(or seem) that people say to me, I tend to remember certain words.

I kept thinking of his words (and others') over and over and over and I remembered how I've thought for awhile that one of the biggest lies that people tell is their response to the simple question "how are you?" It's typically answered with a mundane "good" or "fine" or whatever...just out of habit, then it's usually followed by some unimportant detail of the daily life.

I feel that a good portion of the people who answer that question with that same answer must not be 100% truthful with their response.

I learned to lie to that question on purpose.

It helped for awhile.

I mean, I felt like if I lied about it eventually I'd believe it.

It's the same reason I love to laugh, because laughing makes me happy.

I live to suppress my negativity, but sometimes it is just too much.

I don't let people in alot. I don't let people know about the monsters who wait at my back, or about the skeletons in my closet. While it is important to keep some of these things personal, some of these things should be shared, because there's someone who may be waiting for something to be able to relate to...so they can know that they're real, too.

I've had a couple of experiences where someone told a story, something about themselves, something about the truth...where the things said have just stuck with me and help me to remember my importance here, even though sometimes I feel I don't belong.

I came to another realization one night, that I would have honestly taken myself out if it wasn't for music or my faith or the wonderful people I have in my life.

I'm here to live and I'm here to die to live again.

I'm here to learn about happiness.

I'm here to learn of my potential.

I'm here to learn that I have importance.

I'm here to learn to accept myself.

So are you.

By the way,

how are you?

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if you are reading this and freaking out, please don't be alarmed for me, lol. this is my form of therapy and whenever i feel down or whatever...i'll write and write and write and by the time i'm done...I feel really good and hopeful and refreshed and ready to keep trying.