My little secret

So yesterday, I was hanging out with my recently broken up with ex. I’ve been trying to ease him out of the relationship because he was in denial that I didn’t want to be with him anymore. We’ve been doing fine, I haven’t been really talking to anyone else in a way that I would feel guilty that anything would happen, but because of what I feel for someone else, I hadn’t really eased him out as slow as I should have (I guess). So, we were lying in his bed and I was trying to sleep and not think about how horrible I felt for even being there because I didn’t want to make him feel as if he still had a chance. He turned me around and made me lay on him. Me, being an asshole, starts to tease him. Not anything serious, just shake a little while I’m on him and refuse to kiss him (because we ARE broken up). The way I am with most of my friends is saying that I would rape them and them saying they would rape me. We argue back and forth until one of us starts laughing and then argue about who started all of it. He didn’t exactly go with the game.

He threatened and I denied, that was the first of many no’s for a nice, 5 maybe 10 minutes. He started touching me. Usually, if we were still together, it wouldn’t bother me. He was, to be honest, my first partner and I felt comfortable with him seeing me and touching me, but as two separate individuals, this was uncomfortable. I repeated no. Over and over. “Do you like it?” “no.” “stop lying, you know you do” “no” “why are you lying?” “no”. finally, he stopped for a second and I tried to get off. He took me, switched my position and tried again. This time, he put my legs over my head on his shoulders, took my hands and forced them down and started kissing me. I tried forcing him off with my legs, no help. Freeing my arms to push him off, no luck. He laughed “whats wrong? I though you said I couldn’t rape you?”. He lowered his pants. “No!” “No, what? You know you want it” He started kissing me again and going for my underwear, pushing it aside so He could get in. He tried for 5 or more minutes. “Your underwear is just uncooperative today huh?” He kissed me again. He finally pushed my underwear aside to wear he could make it in and stop right as he was about to push it in. “So, what do you have to say now?” “NO!” “To what?” “To this.” “Why?” “Please. No” He stops and backs away. He laughs as if this was all some huge joke “Now don’t go home talking shit.” What I thought he meant was “Don’t go home and tell everyone I raped you” but what he really meant was “Don’t go home and tell me I won’t rape you because next time I won’t stop to ask”.Then his facial expression changed, as if he finally realized what he was doing would only scar me and not make me get back with him.

I was silent the rest of the time. I lied there, lifeless, scared. He tried talking to me, telling me what he was feeling about the whole break up situation, telling me how much he loves and cares for me, and all I could do was look at him and think “you think I care after what you just did to me?”. I sat there staring at the walls for half an hour, saying no and I don’t know to everything he asked. I left, not knowing what to think or do or say, just scared. I couldn’t talk to anyone, I couldn’t eat (although I forced myself to because I don’t want this to be a reason for my bulimia to start again). I’m a wreck. I woke up this morning at 6:00 and thought “do I really want to go to school in this state of mind? Being scared of everything and one that I see in the hallways? My friends are all going to say sexual things to me and make me scared of them, and when I don’t respond back, they’re all going to bug me for not responding in my regular manner and ask me whats wrong all day. Do I really want that?” So I stayed home. I don’t know what to do and I don’t want to think about it, I’m only writing this because I can’t keep it in or I’m afraid I’ll cut myself again. And because I know someone will care.