I was his student...now...there's love?

So...I wasn't going to put us out there like that. I mean, there are billions of girls who have the fantasy of falling in love with their teacher, but the truth is, it wasn't so much like that. Think of it more like a student and the dean? Lol, but no it's still not like that. We met through the admissions process, and well...just to get things to the point, I was not about to be accepted. I really wasn't...but I was at the end of my rope, I needed this. I truly did.. and he watched me break down into tears. He had said, 'so tell me why I shouldn't throw your folder into that pile over there?' and I said, 'I really need to be here'. He said, 'I'm sure some of those people really needed to be here too,' and that's when I got quiet, fighting back tears. You see, I'd been up ALL night...ALL night, fighting with my boyfriend (at the time), and praying that God, 'If You are even out there, I just need You right now! Show me You're real!'

So, as I wiped at my eyes, he stood up, walking out of the room, without saying more than, 'Just a minute'. He came back and handed me a wad of tissue paper. I wiped careful, trying not to mess up my make-up though I was sure it was already a mess.

He sat down for a short moment, writing somethings down, than looked up at me again. He sighed and leaned back in his seat, staring me down again. I began to pull at my skirt, thinking about how freakin uncomfortable this guy was making me feel. I mean, he was...hot.

He than gave me a weird look, (which I have come to know as his 'you better answer me' look) and said, 'Do you know God?'

I exhaled a breath of relief, the topic had been changed, and religion was always an interesting topic to me, 'Well, I believe in something, but maybe not God...it's more science than that.'

He chuckled, 'Mama, I mean God, the one in heaven. The God in the Bible.'

I shook my head, 'Not really, I mean...I believe that all of the Holy books have human accounts of super natural...so I'm not saying they're not real, just to me not accurate.'

He smirked, 'Oh yeah? Well, I believe in God, in Jesus.'

(we went on for a few moments like this)

Then he asked if I would mind him praying for me. I said I didn't, I didn't really even remember the last time I'd been prayed for. So he did...and in that instant...the room just changed...It wasn't a dark uncomfortable space. I felt like the light from the ceiling became 10x brighter, the air became warmer, and in a way, it felt as though we were being held tightly together by some huge presence in the room. He said 'Amen' and looked up at me with a smile, 'He's here right now, you know that right?' I looked around...wanting to see something different. I wanted a visual proof. I always had. Than I looked back at this man, and in a flash, it was as though I seen two hands on him. On his shoulders. I was at a loss for words.

He agreed that he'd let me come in to the school, and gave me his cell number telling me, 'Don't hesitate to call me, if you need ANYTHING'.

I went home trying to keep calm as I couldn't contain the experience I had just had at all. It was almost as though I were spinning out of control. So, I went back to the apartment with my boyfriend, whom I'd tried to keep open with, tried to tell him everything, but there was a lot he just didn't understand. He asked me how the interview went, I told him it went well, 'Except...well it was a good thing, but I don't know what happened. This man, his name is ****, he asked me about my beliefs in God. He's the ****, but he gave me his number to call him if I needed anything.'

My boyfriend laughed, 'He probably thinks you're hot. You must like him. Are you going to fck him??' (Yea, my ex was a creep okay!)

I muted my voice, worried I'd just shared the deepest moment of my life, with someone who would never understand. I only defended the situation once, 'It's not even like that, okay?'

**Anyways** The time went on, I got accepted into the school, I met a ton of just amazing people, who's hearts are all just beautiful...but the longer I remained at school, the closer I got to this man. Eventually, I had such strong feelings for him, I told him.

You know..I was positive he'd turn me down, POSITIVE, it's not the first time some student said they were in love with him and wanted to be with him, even he doesn't know exactly why he didn't turn me down. He says, 'All of my logic, my intelligence, experience says you can't even be real...you're just uniquely you.' I mean...quite a lot led to quite a lot. First meeting up on nights to have a couple of drinks, go have dinner/lunch. Other times we'd just hang out for a little while and talk. I'd been in his office like hours every day. No we never 'did it' in there or anything. I think I got one single kiss in there haha...ONE! He was terrified of me though...I can remember once I was standing at the other side of his desk looking down at him. He looked up, that beautiful face of his, 'Mama~' he hissed it out lol, 'move back! No other student just stands there like that!' So I sat down and stared across at him.

After the first time he kissed me, I mean, he was a tease really. I remember once in his car before he dropped me off, he leaned in and kissed my cheek (common) and my other cheek..than he went so close to my lips all I had to do was pucker my lips up and they would have touched, but he laughed...I pulled back, 'why are you teasing?' He laughed again, 'You could have got your kiss...' I looked away, 'Why are you teasing me like that?' He looked down at me fidgeting, 'I know I shouldn't even be saying this, but I want to (bleep bleep bleep)wet.' I groaned and glanced at him. His smile faded, 'I shouldn't do that huh? That's messed up, isn't it?' I nodded.

**Anyways again**

This is getting long but now..I haven't seen him in about a month. It's crazy how close we've become though..and even now...I will probably see him next month around my birthday (awesome since I'll actually be 21 and I like to have a drink or two with dinner...we didn't have as many problems as we have as of lately with that...but ^^ anywho). I am excited about it, yet dreading it...because we have a problem, when we are alone we can't keep our hands to ourselves. I'm excited to see him, he's my best friend really...but I'm so worried that this trip will end with him telling me that he can't handle being around me anymore, and we've got to take a long break.

It's sort of happening right now. We had a moment...well...a few nights back..we were talking on the phone and I said (which is true) how I can still feel him touching me and everything. Well, he asked something along the lines of 'are you like sexually frustrated?' because I said it's hard...like to not think of it. Of course I'm a little frustrated. I mean...if you even knew what it's like for me to be with this guy. I mean, I've been with men...guys or whatever (nothing I'm proud of, and that's a completely different story). I've never kissed someone for like...real talk? Like 5 hours straight...I woke up feeling like I'd dreamed the whole thing except my lips were so sore.

Anyways, back to the night..well he told me that (all in all) he wanted me to (bleep) on the phone...you know >.< you know~ Anyways, I was like stop, or it's hard, and are you SURE!? I asked him if that was what he wanted! He just kept suggesting it.. so the next morning (poor guy) felt the most guilt ever, and said he had to keep a distance, because...he was afraid of his actions and what that meant for him. You see, he use to be pretty raunchy, like dirty, like...a sex addict. I mean...I wont put him out there like that, but he's just done some wild things. I think he struggles with keeping that under control and to me, :) I just find where his flaws are and am in awe by his control, his self discipline, his changes, and the way he loves God.

I wouldn't say he's perfect at all, but the longer we're around each other the more things fit together like a puzzle piece. He's so deep, so interesting, his past fits so close to mine...I mean...we both have seen the world for what it is.

He's seen more, yea, definitely, though I've seen more on some areas as well. Hmm...the big problem here???

Not me being his student anymore, I'm not that, and we moved past that when we took things to the next level...but the age difference. Umm, he's about 12 years older than me. That's going to sound gross to a lot of people, but for one, I thought he was 8 years older than me for the strangest reason, for the longest time, and by the time I found out I was already in love with the man. Second, I'm not so worried about it, really...I'm attracted to him 100% no doubt, beyond physical. I don't really care about anything more than his mind. Third, he looks younger than that, we look both around the same ages...

Anyways I need to go pee and I've been writing a letter that no one is going to even finish. Man ! >:l Why did I write all this? Oh well, journal time!