So, once again I am back. And once again, I am sorry for the extremely long absence. I doubt very much I even have any readers left and I don't think many people read these journals unless they already follow the writer, however I'm going to write this anyway. Not only so that everyone knows why I haven't been writing for so long, but also to prepare myself for writing about some of the reasons in detail in my private diary, as I still haven't done so.
Just after writing my last journal entry my Nan went into hospital. It was very sudden. One day she simply woke me up in a lot of pain and very scared. I had no idea what to do of course and I just HAD to be the only one around on that particular day. Eventually, she became so scared I was forced to call an ambulance and she agreed, which, if you knew my Nan, meant that it must have been pretty damn painful. She hated doctors and hospitals however bad she was. The ambulance came in no time and I helped them take her downstairs and called my sister, who arrived home just as the paramedics were assessing my Nan in the ambulance. She was taken to the hospital and both my sister and I went with her. Soon after getting there Nana's sister, Carol, arrived so my sister was able to go home to pick up my mum. Things began to move fast after this. They took plenty of blood from Nana and tested her. Finally they X-Rayed her stomach, where the pain was centred and diagnosed that she had a burst stomach ulcer. Proceedings continued to speed up and it was decided that Nana would have to have an operation that same night. The doctor said there was a 50/50 chance of survival. Nana wanted me to join her in the ambulance as they sped her to the hospital in Carmarthen, but my mum went with her instead. Niz, my sister needed me to help her with directions in case we got lost. We almost did a couple of time but managed to get to Carmarthen before Nana was taken into the operating room. After she was prepared and ready to go in we all kissed her, told her we loved her and watched as she went in. The next few hours were filled with worry and shock as we waited for some news. We finally received news at around 2am. The operation had been successful and they had removed the burst ulcer. They had also taken a sample to ensure it hadn't become cancerous. We were told to go home and return the next day when she should be waking. It in fact took a couple of days for Nana to become fully concious and when she did was hallucinated something terrible. She woke up frantic about a boy she swore had seen murdered by one of the doctors. This went on for a couple of hours, until finally we were able to help calm her. Not before she managed to hurt a couple of the nurses and rip the tube from out of her nose though. Crazy, feisty lady! The next few days, while she was at intensive care, were kind of confused and me and Niz managed to find something the nurses had missed. She had been unable to eat, no one could figure out why, and we found some skin on the roof of her mouth leading to the conclusion that the tube in her mouth had scratched the inside of her throat when they pulled it out but she slowly got better enough to move her onto a ward. While there she was still unable to eat and didn't want to even read. She remained there for around another week. She took a great liking to one of the male nurses and kept nudging my sister towards him. Haha! During the two and a half weeks she was in hospital she didn't eat anything. She tried, but never got very far. After an X-Ray of her throat it turned out she had a web of skin over her gullet, stopping food and often drink from going down. They didn't even have time to try to do anything about this to help her eat.
On the 3rd of December 2010, my Nana, who was my grandparent, my mother, my father, my whole world, died at around 6pm.
It just happened to be the one day I had attended a full day of college. I'd felt really good that day, and things were going well. I got home, Niz was at the hospital and my mum was asleep. I started talking to a friend, Kieran, and my sister told me that Nana wasn't very well. Kieran knew something was going to happen, he told me to go there. He had been the only friend who really stuck by me throughout the time Nana had been in hospital. My sister called me just after Nana passed. I screamed. And couldn't seem to stop screaming random curses and the word 'NO'. I threw the phone as hard as I could. By this time my mother was up and she knew immediately, but she seemed so calm. I paced. And screamed. And threw everything. After a few minutes I couldn't take it any more. I put on a pair of shoes and ran from the house, to Nana's sister's house. Only her daughter was in and when I told her we both broke down again. We cried in each other's arms for a while and when we eventually calmed down she poured us both some whiskey. Eventually my sister got back to our town and we all met at Carol's house. All my Nana's brothers arrived and after collecting my mum we went back to the hospital to see Nana's body. We all said our goodbyes while our uncles spoke to the doctors. Her body was only cool, not cold like I expected, as we kissed her face. Nana's favourite nurse, who had been there when she passed, was waiting for us and immediately hugged me when I got there and I again broke down slightly in his arms. He is a wonderful person. He even came to the funeral. We all dragged ourselves home and me and my sister had a shot of Jack Daniels each. The funeral we held was beautiful. It had been snowing almost non-stop for two or three weeks leading up to it, but on the day of the funeral the weather blossomed. The sun shone and two birds outside the crematorium flew behind the windows throughout the whole service. A few of my family think it was Nana and her husband, whom I never met. My sister and I were carriers for her. My father also showed up, even though they never had gotten along so I sent him away. I think he only came to attempt to get into my good books. Plenty of friends and family came, including my own friend Saz, who features briefly in ADIB under the name Sam. After the funeral was over we went to my Uncle Peter's where the whole family got together. When that was also over, Niz took me home in the car, then left me to return for mum. As she was gone I lay on the couch singing and humming Smile by Nat King Cole which had been played at the funeral. As I hummed I felt myself drifting into a doze, when out of nowhere I heard my name. The house had been completely empty so I'm quite sure it was Nana saying her own goodbye. I smiled and cried and called for her. She didn't say any more, but I told her repeatedly that I love her. Since then little things have happened here and there that I'm sure she's done. Although, I'm quite sure she's busy doing her own thing now, where ever she is.
After Nana's death I got into a relationship with Kieran, the one who knew she was going to pass that night. It was not the healthiest relationship. It started all right...He didn't like many things about me and seemed to want to change them. He cheated on me, told me a week later, then disappeared to Devon with the same girl. I took him back a little while later. The relationship was mentally and emotionally abusive. He managed to make me a shell of what I used to be. Never would I have let these things happen if he hadn't caught me at such a vulnerable time. I've recently, finally, gotten rid of him. After a year. God, I was such an idiot. I loved him and he took complete advantage of me in every way. I don't think he ever loved me. He didn't show it until he knew he was losing me, however by then it was far too late. I'm finally getting back on my feet now. My personality is returning and everything is looking up.
Even with everything that happened last year I received a Merit in college for Performing Arts, which is the second from top grade. This year I started with Media but got chucked out for not doing work that I'd already done but not been able to hand in due to computer issues the lecturer didn't fix. Luckily I was able to switch to Business, which is a three day a week course and ridiculously easy. I'm also in a band and have regained contact with a lot of friends as well as ridding myself of ones...well one, who wasn't good for me. I'm getting back on my feet and renewing interests I had before I got distracted by different things that have gone on in my life. Such as writing!
I plan to edit stories I already have on here and write new chapters to them. I'm seriously considering journalism in Uni so I shall have to get back to writing properly. I hope I still have some fans on here, but if I don't I hope to find new ones!
Thank you very much for reading such a long and personal journal. From now on I shall keep everyone posted on my life and stories.
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