Getting High Has Consequences

I got high for the first time last weekend. But Im not really writing about that. Im writing about what its done to my life in 5 short days.
The day after I got high, I went to my aunts house. That evening, he came over to hang out. All was fine and good at first, but then my mind kept whispering to me. 'You broke your promise. You broke your promise. What will he think? What have you done?' Soon, I couldnt even look him in the face.
I needed air, so I went outside. It was snowing and it was cold, but the numbness was actually comforting. It was 30 seconds later when I heard the door slam. I already knew who it was, and that made the thoughts come faster. They boiled up inside of me until he got to where I was standing, and it was then I started to cry. He hugged me and he comforted me, and he never really let go. I stared him in the eyes for so long, trying to have his words seep into my brain like they always do. But they didnt this time, and he noticed. "It's like you don't even care anymore. Like you dont believe me," he turned away, looking as sad as I felt.
I grabbed him and squeezed him again, crying his name. I needed him to think I cared, because I did. Everything was just so overwhelming at the moment. Didnt he see I cared about his opinion more than my own? He was-- IS-- everything to me. If I didnt care, why would my guilt bring me to run outside or cry in the first place? I needed to know he was there for me, which he repeated over and over, but those words still couldn't reach my brain.
Later, as he was about to leave, I told him I believed him. And the next day, I actually did, 100%. But something was off, and something still is.
I may believe him now, but Im not sure he believes me.