What I Didn't Realize

Yesterday while I was at work, I got a message from my mom asking if I knew a guy named David Famas at my school. David and I were in a couple classes together last year. We always talked about music and concerts. We were going to go to a Blink 182 concert together.

So I responded "Yes, why?"

"He committed suicide on Sunday."

I never knew five words could effect me that much. I became numb. I couldn't think, breath, feel, anything. I came out of the back and went about my job monotonously. I wasn't smiling at anyone. Just scanning clothes and bagging them. Counting change and saying, "Have a good day." Even though they thought I was saying it to them, I was trying to tell it to myself.

My closing manager, noticing my sudden mood change, asked me if I was okay.

Anyone who has ever lost anyone knows that that is the number one worse thing to ask someone. I'm not mad at her because she didn't know. But as soon as she finished the question, I started bawling. Between sobs I uttered that my friend killed himself and ran to the back room to gather myself before returning to work.

I graduated a year before David, so we lost touch. I had him as a friend on Facebook but we were never on at the same time. So we never really talked. I would occasionally comment on one of his statuses or pictures. Just the other day he posted, "The number one cause of divorce is marriage." It made me laugh for like ten minutes, no joke. I showed it to all my co workers and my boyfriend and everything. I never knew that would be his very last status update, ever.

I have been diagnosed with clinical depression for a few years now and I did a lot of research on depression and suicide because I tried to kill myself and I wanted to know what was happening with me. I knew everything. I knew the signs and I knew I could help people suffering with thoughts of suicide. Turns out I didn't know anything.

The signs were all there. He was a fake, just like me. I would sit and laugh and joke with everyone else but be dying inside. I'd be wearing clothes to cover fresh cuts and claimed it was my favorite sweater so I liked wearing it a lot.

He was the same way. I just never saw pass his disguise.

The signs were all there.

They were all there.

Waiting for me, but I was too fucking vain to look for the signs in anyone else. I was too busy worrying about if anyone would see them in me.

They were so obvious.

His favorite song was Adam's Song by Blink 182. The lyrics themselves were a dead give away.

"I laugh the loudest, who'd of known?"
"I'm too depressed to go on. You'll be sorry when I'm gone."
"I never thought I'd die alone. Another six months I'll be unknown."

How could I have not figured it out. We talked about this song so much. He was screaming for my help and I let him down.

Now I'm sitting here, home alone, next to five brand new razor blades and Adam's Song on repeat crying my eyes out.

Did you know for every one suicide, there are three attempted? I bet you didn't. I've never been close to someone who has killed themselves. Just people who have died naturally. I am terrified I will be an attempted. Or even a success. Having so much experience with my own thought of suicide, I just am a mess. I'm broken. He never knew how many people loved him and it has been way too long since I have told him that. It's killing me that I don't even know why. It's killing me that he's gone. And even worse, it is killing me that I really don't think the entire school would cry and Facebook would blow up with how much they missed me.

Now I'm being selfish again. God. This isn't about me. It's about David. I'm sorry I couldn't have been there for you David. I'm sorry for ignoring your cries for help. You didn't deserve to die. This is why I don't believe in God. A real god wouldn't have let this happen.