There are times were I find words elude me and I watch from the side lines of my self build inner fortress - as the poor individual that’s crossed my path, begs for anything, for just one word and yet, I can’t.
Some say it is because I won’t, but I have them all in my head, I hear them as they taunt me, over and over again, but when I open my mouth it feels as though there is this rope about my throat strangling them off, not letting them out as then they’ll become reality and I’ll have to open the doors of my tomb and let other see that I do in fact feel.
I’ll have to acknowledge that everything is not well in my world and that I am in fact facing a battle I know not how to fight and the outcome is unclear.
It’s taken me years to build up these defenses, to perfect the Dragons glare, the Pit-Bulls bark and come to think on it, its bite. The mask that others have demanded I wear is stuck with stronger stuff then glue and I’ll be fighting me for me and I’m scared.
Scared of what I’ll find and of what I won’t;
Scared of what others will think and of their possible rejection.
I am scared that who I am might just not be good enough, but I’m more scared of not trying as who I am today isn’t the woman I am meant to be, isn’t the girl I know is hiding behind her high walls, deep motes and death stares.
When I look at her and see me, my eyes smile as she is amazing, but fear is crippling us from showing the world who we truly are!
What amazes me, is how she, my inner child offers me her hand, beckoning me forward as she makes the first move in this war. And as I write this I feel Miss Madame wrap her arms around me, nuzzle into my neck, whispering that we are strong enough for this, that everything is going to be okay, that I just need to believe and half the battle is won, that we are not broken anymore and the only one stopping us from living is me!
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