Migraine

Tonight I spoke to a girl I have literally dreamed about on facebook. I chatted to her about writing stories and poetry. I chatted to her about education. We spoke about the local groups we were both involved in. We LOL'd and emoticon'd. Then she logged off and the flame in my chest flickered out. No longer was I buoyed up by the faint spark of happiness.

I slumped in my chair and stared at the screen for a few moments. Why am I so hopeless? She's everything I could ever hope for and yet I can't bring myself to make even the slightest move on her. I can subtly flirt and all, but I can never ask her out or tell her how I feel. Am I being childish? Probably, yeah. However, I've caused myself harm through stupid mistakes too many times to make the same mistake again.

I don't have spectacular problems with asking girls out, even though I am rather shy and introverted. I've done it before. The main problem is who I always choose. I always become friends with them first. Everything's great for a while. We're both happy and we hang out. We laugh and joke and we just enjoy each other's company, getting to know each other and all. Then I tell her how I feel or I ask her out.

"Oh, you're really sweet, but I think we should just be friends."
"I'd really like to say yes, but I just don't see you that way."
"You're one of the nicest guys I've ever met... BLAH BLAH BLAH"
"LET'S. JUST. BE. FRIENDS."

Those four words have eviscerated me too many times for me to want to deal with them again. This girl, this wonderful beautiful girl, no matter how much I want to ask her out, I can't. If I ask her out, she'll say no just like every other girl I've befriended then asked. If I ask her out, she'll say "Let's just be friends."

I do try. I try to forget I have feelings for the girls I've spent so much time wanting to ask out. I try to pretend that I don't want more than a friendship. I try to pretend that my feelings mean nothing compared to hers. I do EVERYTHING I CAN. But it always leaves me bleeding. Most of the friendships fall to pieces. With the ones that don't, it's painful to see that girl. In her eyes I see an almost pity that I associate with the dreadful phrase the girl uttered.

I don't want to be friends, but I'll try. Oh I'll try. But it never truly works. The friendship ends up irreparably damaged. It's a sad and terrible thing, but it happens. I want to ask this girl out so much, but I can't. I can't hurt myself by having her look me in the eyes and telling me that phrase. I can't hurt myself by pretending I don't have feelings. I can't hurt her by making her have to look at me and saying the excruciating words. I don't want her to be hurt by having to try to act like we're regular friends, as though I don't want more than that. I don't want to hurt her by making her wish that I'd never approached her.

If I ask her, she could say yes. That's what you're all going to say. But she won't. Oh I know she won't. She's more beautiful and funny and attractive than any other girl I've ever pursued. They all rejected me with barely any hesitation. They all pretended that it was such a 'terrible thing' that they had to reject me and tried to buoy my self-esteem by saying we weren't the right types or that they didn't deserve me. This girl is different though. We've been friends for a while now. She'd be genuinely upset if she had to put me in that position.

I don't want to inflict that pain on her. I don't want her to feel pain due to me pursuing my own selfish desires. There is the smallest sliver of a chance that she will say yes. But that's about the same chance of there being a blizzard at Uluru tomorrow. There are plenty more attractive, more muscly and less 'clingy' guys than me around. But I can dream. I can hope. I can speak to her and pretend we have a greater connection than friendship. But when she leaves me, in person or from the internet, the weight sinks back down again and I realise that it will not happen.

So I'll just pretend that I don't have feelings like those anyway.