Bad Memories

Bad memories have a habit of hitting that spot in your mind which acts like a catalyst for insomnia. The abuse, the beatings, the deceptions and the loneliness. Especially the loneliness. It lingers over every thought you make before you finally drift off into a cycle of nightmares which are briefly interspersed by brief awakenings where you cuddle back up into your blanket.

I was talking to a girl I adore earlier, about some man she likes. She was a bit confused but i tried to help her the best i could as a friend. She was a bit reluctant initially as she is aware of my feelings for her but she believed that i didn't mind and just wanted to help so she spilled all she needed to. Then when she felt better and we'd made some light banter i logged off to wallow in depression.

Most people would probably see the futility in being depressed about such things. It solves nothing and just makes me feel worse. In some ways I'm more comfortable being depressed though. The world seems right this way. Is that so wrong? Why do we have to be naturally happy? Misery is just another emotion, why can't it be the default.

I understand the negative views on self abuse, it's not a natural behaviour to be sure. However it's something i personally indulge in to make the memories to go away when i grow tired of dwelling on them. I wish I could see the stars.