Questioning religion

First off, before I start rambling, I'd like to say I'm not asking for persuasion or persecution. I don't want to be "saved" because I believe the only way to be "saved" is for me to "save" myself, and I don't want to be told I'm going to Hell either. I'll gladly hear about your beliefs and opinions, and while I probably won't agree with them I will respect them.

Religion isn't something I think is important in my life, but I do question my own beliefs sometimes.

I was raised in a Presbyterian church, but I never learned what that meant. I only learned that there was a God and I would burn if I denied that. I don't know whether this rightfully displays the religious values of Presbyterians, but that's what I was taught by the people at my church (not my parents, mind you.)

I had never really put much thought into a God as a child, and I quickly lost any faith I had mustered in my preteens mostly from the hopelessness I encountered growing up. I found through all my pitfalls even if I prayed and prayed hard and long that nothing ever got better. My family was falling apart around me, and I could do nothing. For me, God had done nothing to help me and I shut Him out.

Up until recently, I haven't thought much of any gods. I don't believe in one or any. I'd like to. Some tell me that means I have faith, but I don't think so. I've given up on there being a all powerful God(s). I don't believe in God, or Satan, Heaven or Hell.

I'd like to believe that there is a God or gods, who loves all no matter what, whether you're black, white, gay, straight, etc. I'd like to believe we're all equals in a God's heart and we all end up in a heaven together after death. I'd like there not to be a Hell that you go to if you don't obey stupid rules.

Reincarnation is another thing I'd like to believe in. It might just be the selfish human desire for immortality (in a sense anyway,) but I'd like to believe in an immortal soul that transfers to a new body after death.

But I don't believe in any of that, and I don't think I ever will. I'd like to, but I haven't seen proof of any of that existing beyond words written by man.

I hope I'm wrong, and if I am, I feel like I've been a good person in this life and maybe I'll live another or maybe I'll end up somewhere in the sky.

[/reflective journal entry]