You.

I guess I really do not know how to explain my feelings for you. They’re all kind of jumbled up and confusing. All I’m really aware of is that they’re POWERFUL. I tend to feel things intensely.

It kind of scares me, but I suppose that is what’s going to happen when loving someone.

Y’know… the future scares me. I have no idea what’s going to happen. It’s kind of like living on the verge of a catastrophe. It’s simply waiting for the right moment. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that a catastrophe will happen. I’m saying that I just don’t know. Catastrophe waits for the right moment.

Nevertheless, I really love you. I mean it more than anything else I have ever said. I have never felt this way about you. Trust me, it’s different than before all of this started. I’ve had feelings for you for a while, but back then when you weren’t fully aware I existed, I felt incomplete. Like, one little rain drop on a car windshield.

Still, I was captivated by you. Every inch of me wanted your presence. So, of course, I cherished our hugs. Hugging you then was my only reassurance of the day. If I got a hug, it turned out to be a good day. And if I didn’t, well the day was pretty pointless. It was like my token of reward. I lived for those hugs.

Looking back, I don’t think I would change anything. I had never thought we would go anywhere, that’s for sure. It was kind of like a worm hoping to travel the world.
It wasn’t going to happen, but that didn’t stop my dreaming.

You do realize why I highly dislike(d) Dakota, right? First of all, he hurt you. I think that is what really set the terms. I will never forgive him for that, never. He was the reason you started cutting, no? Yeah, exactly.
Then, I’m guessing comes the jealousy. There was no way that it could be avoided. In my defense, he had everything that I craved:

YOU. He had you. Fuck, he had you wrapped around his finger. It made me sick to my stomach. Still, you were mesmerized by him. I dunno… I couldn’t figure it out.

Sometimes, you would look at him significantly. Other times, you would look so annoyed and wanted to scream or something. I have no idea if that’s true, but that’s just what I saw.

Most of all, I don’t understand what you saw in him. I still don’t. I even asked you. You didn’t/couldn’t tell me. Was it because you didn’t want me to know? I wish you would tell me, but it’s not a necessity. Do whatever you please, dearest. What can I say, though? Curiosity killed the cat.

But I really do love you. So much. I can’t even begin to tell you, much less express. I need you more than you’ll ever know. You, honestly being totally truthful, mean everything to me and more.