Okay...So i'm gonna try to vent or talk about a certain issue each day. There's just so much going on, I feel like i'm drowning...
Today i'll talk about one of them that effects me though, my Anorexia/Bulimia.
I have a few different disorders such as Social Anxiety, Depression, Self-harming, Etc. But these two are also effecting my life greatly, And has been for years now. I've tried to stop but I always relapse and when I do it only comes back with vengeance. For people who go through this, You should be able to relate right?
I never eat, But sometimes I'm forced to eat or i'm unable to get out of eating, So of course when this happens I only eat a small amount, And I always feel so shitty after I do...
Even if it's just fruit! I feel disgusting and like I gain as soon as I eat it. It's only getting worse, When this first started I'd make myself vomit only once that day, But if it happens now I purge four times a day. I also have acid reflex disease, So this is just KILLING my throat and stomach...
I feel so much better when I go days without eating, It feels...Normal to me now....but listen i'm NOT pro-anorexia, or pro-bulimia or whatever you people call it...It's just been going on for so long I have no idea how to stop. No one else know's about this, I can't tell my family and I have no friends to tell this to. (except the few I've made on this site)
I don't want to have to have this feeling of acid burning the throat, Or feeling so tired, and dizzy and...shitty that I can't go through my day without looking like death. Making people either give me looks or pity, or act strangely around me, or even out-right make fun of me for it. (Which doesn't help the Social Anxiety I might add..)
It's hard to explain what this makes me feel and think, But for anyone who is going through either of these eating disorders, Or has had them but has been able to get out of the habits, Do you have any advise? I feel like I deserve this...It's my fault.
I feel like all the disorders, or illness's, or trauma (that happened when I was younger) was my fault, I got what I deserved...I don't know what to think anymore..I just hate these, I hate that I feel like I need it. It's a cycle I can't get out of, Just looking, or thinking or smelling foods or drinks/smoothies whatever...Makes me angry, disgusted....I'm always checking boxes for calories and shit if i'm forced to eat it...I'm obsessed.
It's to the point where not only just the eating disorders, But at night if there's any left over dessert my family ate or something, I'll take it out and just start smashing it, or putting it in a paper bag and stomp on it, I just wanted it gone...Destroyed taking my feelings of anger and disgust out on stupid food...
Not only that ut I feel a hatred and anger whenever someone expects me to eat, especially when it's something like junk food or candy, whatever. If I feel shitty by sometimes eating just fruit, How the hell am I suppose to feel okay by eating shit like that?
It's not normal I know...But I'm consumed by it...I don't know what to do about it anymore...I'm such a freak...And I'm such an idiot for letting it get this far out of hand...There's no one to blame but myself, But I have no idea how to stop it.
Hatred towards Anorexia/Bulimia...But can't get rid of it
March 20th, 2012 at 03:07pm