Hey again...I was gonna wait to post this til tomorrow..But I thought I'd just write it out to get it over with, Hope you guys don't mind?
One thing that has always only made me feel worse...Is getting compliments from other people...Does this happen to anyone else? I have horrible body dis-morphia and no self-esteem whats-so-ever...
So when ever someone says something (which is rare anyway...) I feel like shit and I just want to cry..I don't believe in anything anyone says...For example,
When I was in the 6th grade, It was after Fcat, The whole school was doing this 'life skills' shit, and one day It was during my science period, We had to write our name on a piece of paper, Then everyone in the class had to go around and write compliments on each other's paper...
When it was over we all went back to our seats and what not, I read over my paper...And I cried...I felt so shitty because I know it's not true...Then the teacher asked if anyone who felt like they couldn't take compliments...And being the stupid fuck up I am, I raised my hand. This kid named jay muttered something under his breath and shook his head, The others just ignored it and we moved on..
You know...I still have that paper...I'm looking at it as I write this...It's making me cry all over again, Even seeing this simple comment such as
"I like your hair"- Jessica or "I like your shoes today"-Briana
It hurts my heart...This was during middle school..Now I know what some people will say Middle school is rough for everyone, Well i've been feeling this way since I was young (and it's only been getting worse)
What's so...Ironic is some of the same people who said 'nice' things about me on this paper, Were the worst bullies I've dealt with during middle school...
Two out of SIX of those people were Jessica... (What was ironic is i named her 'evil person' as a joke...But it turned out to be true, she PRETENDED to be my friend...But really made fun of me behind my back) Whenever I was in the hospital, or not around she'd make fun of me, My looks, The way I talk...Everything...
The second person was Jay (His real name is Jaleen) Oh boy...I've always hated taking pictures, Or posting them and what not...But now I do all that I can not to take pictures...I remember his words so clearly, it was when the year books came out, he took one look at my yearbook picture and He said:
"Oh Andra, Looking at your picture makes me suicidal. How could you live with a face like that?"
After that, I literally thought about taking a razor and cutting my face all over...I still do...those six certain people did everything (and still do) they could to put me down, they stalked me to classes, followed me home a few times, Even when I had skipped classes made myself sick...Right til the point they pushed me to try and commit suicide (this was my first attempt, I've tried twice)
This is just one example, Memories that are burned into my head. I can't do compliments...I can't STAND them, I get so..ANGRY...so hurt because i know it's lies..I rather them not try then to tell me lies! I know what I am, It's been burned into my head...
Honestly...Does anyone else feel this way about compliments or something similar?
It only makes me feel worse...
March 21st, 2012 at 03:46am