My current lifestyle is beating the sh*t out of me. (College, Xanax, Green Day, and lost hopes.)

Title speaks the truth. I have been so extremely tied up with full time college, my job, and caring for my sick fiance (whose cancer is only getting worse, might I add) that my health is going to h*ll because of it. Within the past six months I have lost days and days worth of sleep, gained nearly ten pounds, and somehow managed to accumulate a whole bunch of mental problems on the side.

Now that his health is getting worse, certain aspects of our relationship have deteriorated. I'm now left to walk that fine line between expecting too little of our relationship and being selfish. If anyone's seen the movie 50/50, I feel like I have multiple personality disorder and those two personalities are similar to those of Rachel and Katherine. Like, I love helping him and caring for him. I really do; however, I'm getting really sick of being held back, and sometimes I find myself looking for an out. I have constant panic attacks and bouts of depression, and for this I've been taking my mom's Xanax whenever I can manage.

As for the weight, it's because I have virtually no diet now. I work at a pizza place and practically live on its products, and when I'm not at work I'm feeding my growing appetite for sugar, crackers/cookies, and chocolate. It's horrible, because I love healthy food but I'm barely even home to sleep. Convenience food rules right now. I am going to start working out again asap so that I'll be able to look in the mirror without wanting to cry again soon.

Speaking of food, I ate ramen noodles for dinner the other night and proceeded to have a strange dream. In it, my fiance died from his cancer and I went insane. Everywhere I went there was his giant tombstone and I was at school and kissing the tombstone between classes and sh*t, and then this creepy guy gave me a phone number to call to talk to dead people. I did, and then got sucked into a tree trunk where I was met with a lake full of organs with my fiance's voice responding from within it. I was like, the f*ck? No more ramen before bed for me.

Anywho, my life is a mess. I can't wait for next semester to start so I can take less classes and be at the cool downtown campus, which is right in the middle of a bunch of cool theatres, shops, and restaurants. I also can't wait to actually have time to update my baby, Long Road to Ruin. It's my prized story and is surely feeling neglected. Its followers likely do as well.

If anyone wants to read it, I'm always up for new followers! *hint hint* hehe.