This post isn't going to be funny, or whatever I just needed to say it somewhere. My best friend died last night. He was out shooting cans with his uncle when something happened with his gun and he shot himself. He is a hemophiliac so he died within hours.
Hunter has been my best friend since we were four. He was the first friend I told that I was gay, and I was the first person he told when he found out he didn't like girls or boys. We grew up together you know? Did all that stupid stuff you are supposed to do and then settled into a rhythm that we were okay with. I don't even know what to do now.
Like so many plain plates on the table you can reach for them, use them without thinking. Most of them don't matter. Sometimes you lose your grip on one of them and it falls and smashes to pieces. You shrug and say to yourself, what a pity. Then you reach for a plate that you use every day. It is one that you love and use so often that as you stretch out your hand it is already making the shape that fits its curve. You are certain that yesterday it was in its proper place, but now there is nothing. There is just air. You have lost something that was so familiar, so much a part of your life that you were not even looking for it. You were just expecting it to be there as always.
I wrote that in a story once and I don't think I realized then how true it is. I keep thinking I can just call him and talk to him about whatever and then I realize he isn't even there anymore. What do you do when you need comfort but the one person you need it from isn't there anymore?
I just needed to get this out there. They say talking about it makes things better, though I feel worse now. Two of my friends died last year and now Hunter is gone. I feel so numb now.
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