I scare myself...

I'm scared to think. I'm scared to sleep. I'm scared of that in between moment where you're not quite asleep, but you're not quite awake yet, because the walls come crashing down. I scare myself and I can't tell anybody.

I've never actually told anybody what I'm feeling or thinking, because I'm scared of them. I'm scared of what they think. I'm scared they'll hate me for being so weak. I've almost killed myself three times. I'm weak...

And I have scars everywhere. I stopped doing it because I promised, and I've broken enough promises... I can't break this one too, even though I think about tearing apart another razor every day...And that scares me. The need to see my blood, the desire for it.

When I'm around people, I don't have to think... I don't have to be afraid because they keep me distracted. They make everything go away for just a little while... if I tell them they'll look at me, pity me, think I'm disgusting... Or, something. I'm just so afraid...

I can't even find joy in writing anymore, and that's my life. I want to be a writer, I want to be an English professor, and I want to open my own publishing company called Penguin Publishing, but lately, whenever I think of that, I just think, "I have no future." I have nothing.

I'm so scared of myself. I still write poetry, when I'm in these "moods"... I started getting them Freshman year, but I just called them "Poetry moods" because they were rare. When i got them, I just want to be alone, and I would think about how terrible I am, all my faults, everything... and then it would go away after a long cry, and a poem was done. I always came out with a poem when I got them...

And then they became more frequent and just lasted longer and longer and I, they won't go away. I hate people. I hate them, but I need them. If they're not around, I'm not distracted. If I'm not distracted, I think. If I think I write another suicide note. If I write them, I contemplate it. And then I think of what a weak disappointment I am.

What scares me is that nobody even knows. Nobody suspects anything and I'm just... I'm breaking open at the seams. I can't figure out if it's because they don't care, or if I've become that good at hiding it... And if it's because I'm that good at hiding it, then what can I do?

I can't physically talk about it. I'm having a hard enough time typing it. Nobody will ever know.

And that scares me the most. The fact that I cant tell anybody.

I'm so scared, and I don't know what to do... I can't reach out to my parents... I don't want to hurt them... I can't talk to anybody. I'm collapsing into myself and I can't do anything about it...