Why I Love Them So Much.

Everyone always ask me, "Katie, why do you love My Chemical Romance so much?" And I always reply with a sheepish comment like, "I don't know, they have great music." I know I'm just lying up my arse when I say that.

These boys saved my life.

I guess I should start from the beginning:

I was in a dark time during fifth grade. I was only eleven years old and I was severely depressed. I was in a dilemma with my family; I just got into contact with my real father for the first time in my whole life. I know, I should've been really happy and I can't lie and say I wasn't, but I was really happy. The problem was my family. They tried to keep me away from him and I hated that. All I ever wanted was my dad and just to get to know him. To this day, I don't regret meeting him, but I do regret trying to place trust where there shouldn't have been.

Even before meeting my dad when I was eleven, I was a depressed kid. I was the product of two teenagers who didn't know what a condom was. I was a product of a immature 14 year-old girl and a horribly immature 16 year-old boy. They were just kids and not ready to be parents. I lost both parents while I was growing up. My mom got consumed into doing Heroine, Oxycontin and other drugs I still don't know about. My mom and dad left me alone with my grandparents.

I guess you can assume I grew up bouncing from place to place. I eventually added it up not to long ago. I moved 19 times and transferred to 15 different schools in my first seventeen years. The one time I had promise of us staying somewhere, something so awful happened to me. I was in third grade and I was a big girl I felt. But my grandma would walk me to school everyday; it was across the street from the apartments we were living in. I asked one day if I could walk home on my own, since I was a big girl. Grandma said yes and she'd watch for me.

Of course, being the idiot of a third grader I was, listened to my friend Kelly and took a longer sort of 'short-cut' and went behind a building. I regret that decision everyday of my life. I went there with her and a group of boys (there were six of them) I knew from the same freaking grade cornered us. They were telling us how they were going to rape us. I made sure that Kelly got away, I kicked and screamed and she broke free. She ran for help. But help was too late for me. That would be the first time and not the last time I was raped.

No one, and I mean it, no one should have to go through that. Ever.

The fact that I had just met my dad made me happy, I felt like I could wash all the feelings away but they were hard to ignore. I finally was going to have both parents in my life. Although I was thankful for my step-dad who pulled my mom out of the drug phase in her life and bring her back to me with a big belly and a little sister on the way, I still wanted my dad.

While the whole dad thing was happening, I was bullied a lot in the new middle school I had just joined into. Yeah, I was a bit chubby and I still am, I sport it a lot different now than I did then. I'm happy being the way I am. But anyways, I guess you can say I was a loner. I didn't bother making friends because I always wondered “when am I going to move next?” It usually took about three months before we up and left where we were to find somewhere else.

I just moved to this crappy little town near Columbus, Ohio. Don't get me wrong, I've lived here a couple times before, but everywhere I went was crappy. Everywhere was awful. No where was home. I felt like a stray cat looking for somewhere to be loved. I never really found that place until this past year.

I took up things I know that I shouldn't have done. I took up cutting and I was thinking about suicide everyday of my life. No eleven year-old should have to think about suicide or think that they have to cut their selves to feel like they were at least alive. No one should feel like they had no other place to go besides the afterlife.

Then, that one beautiful day came along. The day I discovered those five men who would forever change my life.

I was at least a month into the new middle school when I came home. I walked home, hot as can be in my pants and my sweatshirt. I had to figure out ways to cover up what I've done. I was getting taunted by some boy named Kyle who was a complete freaking idiot. I usually told him to go 'eff' (actually using the f-bomb) off and went inside my house.

This was back in the day when MTV actually played some decent music videos once in a blue moon. Today was one of those blue moons. But I didn't realize it yet. I came inside, dropped my book-bag onto the floor and sighed. My mom was running the vacuum and my three year-old sister came out shoving a piece of paper in my face. It was a drawing. I told her it was great and she should put it on the fridge. So she did.

I went into the living room where my mom was vacuuming. She was almost 7 months pregnant with my new sister who would be born a week after my birthday. I told her I would vacuum for her, so she didn't have to worry about it. My mom only smiled and said thank you. She took my sister upstairs and went to go to bed. I finished the vacuuming and watched the MTV channel play music videos. It finished with some odd video.

This moment changed my life.

It was the first time I ever saw the beautiful faces of Gerard and Ray. They were on the steps for the I'm Not Okay (I Promise) music video. This was the first time I ever heard My Chemical Romance and it certainly is not the last.

The song played and I listened. I listened and felt this feeling I've never felt before. I felt a connection. I felt as though as if I was not alone as I watched this and saw Frank's gorgeous face (and soon became my favorite of the five) and Mikey's always cute glasses and hair cut. I saw Bob's seriously blonde hair and his amazing drums skills.

I watched this and smiled for the first time in weeks, hell, it was months. It wasn't one of those fake smiles either. This was a smile that I knew I wasn't alone, there are other people out there like me. These boys are the living proof that I could be happy and I could do something. That moment told me it was alright to stand up for myself, it was alright that I was chubby, it was alright that I had a terrible childhood, that it was alright to be happy, it was alright to to be who I wanted to be, it was alright to not give any cares and throw a big 'forget you' to the world.

But the most important thing of all is that they told me that I was not alone and I will never be alone. That feeling has stuck with me for seven years now.

This was the first time I listened to My Chemical Romance and this was the first time I cried to My Chemical Romance. This was the first time where I didn't feel alone and the first time that I felt alive. I knew who I was. I wasn't this loner person who was insecure of herself and felt looked down by her peers. I knew who I was and who I wanted to be for the first time in my young life.

I was Katie and I wanted to be myself.

As I sat there and cried throughout the video; I smiled the whole time. This wasn't tears of sadness, these were tears of joy. These were tears that I was alive and everything bad could be washed away with these boys. This was the day that these boys touched my heart and left a permanent place in my heart.

I had to of at least watched it twenty times. I was thankful that my parents had bought a DVR box that could rewind the live television. I watched and I watched. Every time I watched, I felt a little piece of me that was never there grow into a place of happiness. I was happy for the first time in months.

I remember after watching that amazing video, I wiped away all my tears and took off outside. I went to go find my step-dad and begged him to take me to the store. I was determined to get that CD. He took me after dinner and I bought Three Cheers For Sweet Revenge and ever since that day, I never stopped listening to them.

My Chemical Romance's music touched me in ways that I could barely describe. They helped me with the past and how to get over it. I quit cutting for three years and stopped thinking about suicide. I talked to my mom about dad and we fixed it. I was able to see my dad. I started to think more positive and I made new friends.

I was happy.

Two years passed by and I grew onto My Chemical Romance so bad. I listened to them everyday. I bought The Black Parade the day it came out and I cried when I bought it. My step-dad thought I was overrating. But I am in love with those boys. They are my heroes and my backbone. They are my boys.

I moved into the house I live in now and I made new friends, I brought a new life and a new found happiness with me. Soon, I lost my grandpa, my only grandpa, to heart failure. I was depressed, he was the only person I ever felt truly happy around when I was a kid. He was a great grandpa and the only one I ever knew. I cried and cried after his death, living off of mints for nearly a month. I listened to Cancer after his death constantly. Those boys helped me through that painful time in my life. I still get choked up listening to Cancer.

I found new friends and I lost new friends. I made it to the eighth grade and I was changing. I started to rebel. I started to seriously not give a crap about anyone or anything. My mom started to do drugs again, it was bad. She started to randomly attack me and only me. In some ways, I was happy that it was only me because I wouldn't be able to stand my sisters getting hurt. Soon, I started to feel worthless and depressed and began cutting again. I wasn't even happy enough to pick up my CD player to play My Chemical Romance.

One day, I was with my old friend when she played the "I'm Not Okay (I Promise)" music video off her computer. I cried. What was I doing?I went home, feeling awful. I talked to my mom, and she was upset that I felt that way and she went for help. It made me happy that she tried and succeeded to make her family whole again. In the short amount of time she was gone, I felt us growing closer and now we're closer than ever.

During the time my mom was gone, I saw My Chemical Romance for the first time in my life, live. It was the greatest night of my young life. I got punched in face by some guy in the mosh pit and sported a black eye for a month, I touched Gerard's hand, and I got a smile and a giggle from the boy I love the most, Frank, while it was quiet and I screamed, "I love you!" I melted inside. I wished that night never ended. But it did and I went back to reality.

I met my best friend and he stuck to my like glue. Now not only did I have those five amazing boys, I have a new amazing boy I could call my brother and the person I loved so much with my heart (not like being in love, he'll always be my sassy gay best friend <3). We told each other everything and we still do.

The summer going into freshmen year was brutal. I was raped again for the second and last time. It was by someone I've known my whole life. A cousin who is three years older than me. I kept my mouth shut. I didn't want to say anything. It took me two whole years to tell my best friend. I was terrified.

I never stopped cutting and it only got worse. I finally caved in and completely listened to My Chemical Romance for a whole day. I thought about everything while I listened to the amazing voice of Gerard. It felt like he was sitting in the room with me, telling me that everything is alright and I'm okay. I'm not alone.

I stopped. The suicidal thoughts and the cutting ended for another two years. I fell for a boy named Justin. We're young and I thought we were in love. I thought nothing would change and we'd be together forever and all that cliched stuff. We were together for a whole year, completely happy I thought. I nothing to worry about and I had him.

Wrong.

He came to me one day and told me he has been cheating on me for months now. I was broken. I was used and washed up. I was a sixteen year old girl with nothing on her mind besides love and now it was replaced with a shattered heart. I strayed away from my first love and tried to stay with this one who used me up for another year.

Two freaking years I wasted on that asshole. Two freaking years I wish I could take back. I hope he reads this and realizes that he's such a jerk. Everything was a lie and everything was awful. During that second year and near our break up, I started cutting again and had the thoughts of suicide. I told him about it, he just told me to shut it up because I just wanted attention and that I never would do it. But I did. He didn't care that I was like this.

My best friend noticed I was cutting and became afraid for me. He took me to church for the first time in years and I talked to his pastor. When the pastor asked me, “What makes you happy?” all I could think about was Danny who has been my best friend for years now and those five amazing boys. After speaking with him, I knew what I had to do.

Funny how things worked out, the day after I spoke to the pastor, Justin and I cut off all ties and broke off our terrible relationship for good. I cried, not because I was sad, but because I was happy. I didn't have that baggage anymore and I was my own person again. I cried because I wasted two years and I could've been happy. I felt sad again.

I pulled out my iPod and began to listen to the five amazing boys that I now call my first loves and it was love at first sight. I listened all night and I felt the weight lift off my shoulders. I felt the awful feelings and the sadness go away. I felt complete. I felt I wasn't alone. I know I'm not alone. I'm just a girl who is trying to live in a world that sucks. I'm just seventeen years old.

The cutting and the suicidal thoughts ended this year, the beginning of my senior year. The sadness and the depression left this year as well. I'm the happiest I've ever been. I started to believe I was happy and I smile and laugh a lot more. I try to be as nice as a person I can be to anyone because who knows what they're going through? They could just be like me.

I can't explain how much I would love to thank Frank, Gerard, Mikey, Ray and Bob for everything that they've done. They made me who I am today. They were there when no one else was for me during the darkest of times. They saved me. I'm the happiest I've ever been and I owe it to them. I'd like to think it was an act of fate that I saw those amazing boys on that day during fifth grade. Maybe it was time to have something in my life that makes me happy and they do make me happy.

I decided on telling you guys all of this because you are not alone, you aren't just some messed up tale about someone who could never become anything good. You aren't just a washed up person who has no one there because you know what? I care. I love you. No matter who you are, I will accept you. I will make sure you will be happy if you come to me; I'll try my hardest to make sure you'll be happy. You can always come to me and I will always be there for you.

And you know what? Forget everyone else who hates on you because just simply, you are you. In the words of a great man named Dr. Suess, no one is youer than you. You are one of a kind. Don't you ever forget that.

Forget everyone who gives you crap everyday because you are yourself. You got it in you to be happy, it takes some time to find your real happiness, but you got to know that it is out there and it will find you.

I want you guys to go away with reading this with happiness in you. I cried the whole time writing this because I've barely shared most of this information to anyone and I cried because I was happy that I am getting this out there for people who used to be like me to read this. I want you guys to know that you are the greatest person out there because you are beautiful inside and out. You are the one and only, there is no replacing you.

You are not alone and you will never be.