Anxiety and Guilt

I just need to vent right now and I'll probably take this down later. I apologive to anyone reading if In use crude language.

I'll explain the whole thing.

I had a best friend, I'll call her Ms.X. Ms.X was loud, and strange, but hey it was my best friend so it didn't matter to me. Well one day Ms.X started bitching about another one of my good friends, Ms. pup and saying really bad things about her, and that good friend had told her friend, whom Mrs. X liked that Ms. X wanted to have genious babies with him. Of course because I was her best friend I went along with her and I thought that was wrong. Which I know was definatly wrong. I ignored Ms.pup for months. All the rest of our friend did the same.That was the last school year.

Before I move along in the story I have to tell you something about Ms.X. She was the girl that everyone viewed as "nice, loud,responcible, weird, smart". She had a loud booming giggle-y laugh and a very different view of things. She was confident and people trusted her because she was smart and responcible. If there was a said class system in school ( don't say there is no such thing as popularity, because there is, and that is what humans have deprived off of since their existance) Ms.X had to be Upper Middle class, maybe lower low upper class. I'm definatly not on the same level as her. The thing was, the reason that she wasn't any higher was because the Higher class boys ( stil talking about popularity) made fun of her saying she was fat, too loud, bacne + chest acne. . . such things wer said of her. Which, is true, and I'm not being trying mean or anything, just frank. So she only held her rank, because she could carry herself well, and make herself known: she was pratically a social butterfly.

This year I was getting fed up with Ms.X and i was feeling extremely guilty about ignoring Ms.Pup. Ms. X was talking about my other friends too though. So one day I decided that I should try to rekindle my friendship with Ms. Pup. Mrs. X kept talking about her and saying that nobody liked Ms. Pup, she can go die for all she cared, hoe, bitch. I told her that I didn't care about that. Mrs. X narrowed her eyes and said somthing along the lines of "What do you mean you don't carre. I thought I was your best friend, and you don't care about my opinion?' I told her I felt wrong about it.

When I rekindled my relationship with her, the other friends saw that they were guilty and started talking to her again. Now, Ms. Pup before was lonely and ostracized, but now she had friends again.

It came time for the Valentines dance, and Ms. X hormones were at an all time high because she wanted to ask that boy from before out. She didn't end up doing that though. Ms. X brought money for the dance for anyone who needed any. Ms. Pup wanted to go, but had no money and the dance was that night. So what did I do. I asked Ms. X for some money so I can go, (I already had money in my pocket). After that class, I secretly gave it to Ms. Pup. I felt like I did a good, but decietful thing. I felt like a rebel. I know what you, are thinking: wow really? This girl did that and she felt like a rebel? Well when it came to Ms. X, she loathed Ms. Pup, and Mrs. X was like the Queen bee of our little clique, what said she, goes.

That night at the dance, Ms. X told me that Ms. Pup looked like a hooker. Why in the world was that? Well I didn't really see it, she wore shorts, an off sholder top, and sneakers. Ms.Pup was only dressed like that because she didn't have time or money to go to the store and buy a dress or skirt for the dance. I told myself that night, if Ms.X did anything else to offend me, that would be my last straw.

A few days later, whist walking home with Ms. X and another friend, I was walking ahead of them, listening to my ipod not really wanting to join the conversation because I felt sick, when surprise surprise, Ms. X hits me over the head with a plastic soda bottle. Hard enough so that I got a head ache later. I know reader, I'm such a wuss. But i'm not very healthy. I have insomnia, anemia, constant head aches ( which I had at that moment), I had been checked and been to the doctors at least five times in the six months previos, not including the nutrititionist or dermatologist.

Anyways, back to the story. I pretty much stormed off, really pissed off, because my own best friend, didn't notice that i was already in a pissed off mood that week, or that i was sick. They both followed me, harassing me, poking me, trying to force snacks in my mouth, hitting me with the bottle, bumbing into me, making fun of the songs I was listing to,saying that I was emo, trying to force feed me again, oblivious to the fact that I was getting angry. And guess what? Well, there went my last straw. I stopped in my tracks right then, turned myself around as I heard them ask what the hell happened. That day I took the long, complicated, and scary way home, almost in tears about how abused I felt.

I ignored her for two days following that.

Of course me being her best friend, she kept harassing me yet again. Sending me notes that I ignored and threw away. I read one though, in which she said that she was sorry about what she did and she had no idea what, but she didn't want to loose her best friend.

I wrote her a letter, trying to tell her the anger I felt towards what she had been doing. I wrote it down, because I knew I would ger lost and cuss too much. I felt like I was her monkey, and she kept poking me with a twig, just to see if i would stand on my head. In that letter I asked her to apologize to Ms.Pup, and try to get along with her. I said that if she didn't, I couldn't be associated with her anymore.

She apologized to me, but nothing else. I asked her didn't she have anything else to say and implied on Ms. Pup, who was there at the moment. I remember her exact words: "I don't think l I have to apologize to anyone".

So there went my friendship with her, and here comes the second part which is more, brief in the begining, but will get more detalied at the end. If you, reader, have come this far, I thank you very much for caring ( if you do, probably not).

All the people that were ignoring Ms.Pup began talking to her again. I didn't talk to Ms. X anymore than two words. The ones any person would say to even a stanger "bless you". I didn't want to full out ignore her like she did Ms.Pup, just not talk to her as a friend or aquantince. This went on for two or so months.

In those two months, I started having trouble breathing, shaking, many of the symptoms of anxiety. Right now I feel like that. DIzzy, shakey, nervous, cold, sick, trouble breathing.

Today. . . I don't even no if I continue to say what horrible thing I did to that girl. I feel an anxiety attack comming on just thinking of it.

I did somthing that probably made her hate me. Made me hate myself. Made my friends probably hate me. They all think I'm a bitch for doing it.

Let me just say this, I didn't physically touch the girl, or anyone for that matter, I just made a joke with the guy she is creepily obsessed with, and it obviously upset her.

The last thing I should say now it that I regret it but she shouldnt risk and hurt friendships for a guy who admittedly doesn't like her, but another girl.