i don't want to kill you

I often consider how it would be after I killed you. I can imagine how it would be beforehand because I have pictured it many times because I am very very afraid that it will happen. I can imagine you as you have been once before. You are lost and you cannot connect because They are inside you and They are too powerful, too strong and you are not powerful nor strong enough. You let Them in for whatever reason and now They will not leave and They are eating you alive - They show you Everything and there is not a space inside you large enough to carry that. I can imagine this as They have told me previously on several occasions that this is what They will do.

I can imagine knowing then that I have to kill you first. I would not stand by and watch them fill you up until you snap. I would not stand by and watch Them take you out of existence proving that you are merely a toy to Them, you are nothing and They are everything. You are my everything, I would not stand for it. So I would most likely kill you.

Then of course I would have to kill myself. It has been proved on more than one occasion that I am incapable of function without you, pathetic as that is. I would not have a great deal of problem with this. I would certainly not be happy about it as I very much like being alive but the prospect of returning to the Ultimate Reality and of sight beyond the Illusion has been enticing as it is for a long time. I would probably jump off a very very high cliff as I enjoy the feeling of falling very very much and statistically I would almost certainly die in an instant.

These are not the parts I consider. What I consider is how it would be after killing you, in between ending your life and mine. I cannot imagine this. It is like a curtain has fallen across the pictures in my head and this is unusual as my imagination has always been bright and clear since I was very small. What I would feel in those minutes is absolutely unimaginable and I think that it is for a good reason and I think that that reason is that no working human body can endure that much pain without breaking up into such minute pieces that neither kind of doctor has a hope of distinguishing what was what.