Doubt

I don't think people realize how dark my thoughts really are. Are my friends, I'm always cheerful, making jokes, smiling.
But, the truth is, I'm not really like that at all.
One minute, I can be completely fine. The next, reality settles in and it feels like the whole world is falling on me and it's like I can't breath, can't speak. Can't do anything excpet sit there and slowly destroy myself from the outside with my thoughts.
I blame myself a lot. For everything. If something bad happens, I'll usually always find a way to make it my fault. Then I will never forget about it, just let it sit there in the piling corner of my brain, ready to be used for more ammunition against myself.
I think i'm an awful person, no matter what anyone says otherwise. I've never said the words out loud, too scared to let the people around me know just how much i hate myself. You may not believe that I'm a bad person, but I can assure you, I am.
When I was younger, I was I guess what you could call "popular". I did anything I could to make sure I stayed in that circle of people. I would bully others, talk cruelly about them behind their backs, follow bitches along like a sick puppy dog-even to mine own sister. When she needed my help the most against bullies, I didn't help her. Instead, I told her to fend for herself, just like I had to.
Eventually, I finally grew out of it, realized that all the things i was doing were awful and cruel. I made new friends, began reading books, learning life lessons, doing my best to be a good person.
But it. Didn't. Work.
That horrible little girl is still there, coming out at random times to remind me that I can't change myself so easily. That my actions are still as terrible as ever and that there's nothing I can do about it. I'm squimish and love my family too much to ever go into self-harm.
But that doesn't change the fact that I still absolutely hate msyelf.
I feel like I'm drowning with no idea which was is up, caught between a comodo dragon and a lion-no matter which direction I take it could be my last.
I'm sorry if I've weirded anyone out with this, but I could't keep it to myself anymore. To all who are still reading this, thanks for putting up with all my emo crap.