This year has been hell. I used to be one of the happy-go-lucky people and, now, I'm the most cynical, sarcastic fuck. I know what it is, and what is was that's made me this way too. I just hate giving into everyone, so I just sit and smile and pretend everything's okay even though I want to punch half the people I go to school with in the face.
I hate everything. I stay away from my parents right now because they've been fighting 24-fucking-7 since Michael's moved in, and now Meghann's moving in. It's one thing if they're visiting, but they could be staying for 6 months. My parents have basically pushed Corey and I aside, so right now, unless I'm actually alone with one of them, they don't really know anything that's going on.
My parents have got to the point of talking about a divorce. The fuck. They're the only parents that I honestly love being with and around. Bill's been around since I was like 2-3. I hope that they get through this because I think it would just hasten the downward spiral I'm on.
I feel like I need anti-depressants.
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School. Okay, here's that whole deal.
So, next year, I'm in cheerleading, NHS, French Club, Key Club, marching band (I'm drum major), concert band, pep band, (maybe) winter percussion, & I work part-time. I have a semester study hall, but it won't do much for me. I have about the hardest course load I can handle.
I currently have a D in Algebra 2. And that's with me trying in that class!
How I am supposed to manage to remain on the Academic Honors Diploma and NHS, I don't know. I hate telling people that (especially my parents). When my two super smart friends, Matt and Sarah know, it's hard enough. I feel like I'm stupid. And I'm really smart. I'm smart in literature, history, biology, and languages.
I've been thinking about going to Purdue to major in business management with a minor in German, but I don't know. I love Purdue though.
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I'm drum major in my high school's marching band now. Let's all face the music, literally. It's falling apart and everyone hates Jessica (the senior drum major) and I. They love my friend, Matt, whose band captain.
See. Matt and I had a whole plan set out for next year. We knew exactly what to do, how to do it, who had our backs, etc. The drum line hates me because of my ex; the drum line loves Matt because... let's face it, everyone thinks Matt's awesome. He has so much field cred, and they made him band captain because they know everyone's feelings on him. Yeah, it's nice that the three of us still have the highest 'leadership' positions in the band, and, yeah, I still think he has my back, but it's not the same. It's not the same because I don't know what Jessica wants. I've never actually sat down and had a great conversation with her. Do I need to? Hell yeah I do. I just am nervous. I've heard I'm supposed to be head drum major, so yippee!!!!!! Seriously. I am happy, but I don't want them to eat me alive like everyone else has.
This senior class has been my main support. Yes, I've had support from kids in other grades, but to be honest, the senior class was the class that accepted me and took me in. Everyone thought I was a junior/senior when I moved here, but Kristina, Sarah, and Michael have been some of the best people to me.
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I'm going to be the odd cheerleader out next year. I mean, I already am. It sounds stupid, but I'm the odd, edgy one because I'm in band, I don't wear the clothes the other girls do, I don't listen to the music the other girls do, etc. etc. It's not that I mind, it just makes me wonder if I will be able to bond with any of them.
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I wonder if I'm ever going to make that one best friend. I think I have in Sarah, but we have to hang out of school more to really know.
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