I Love You And I Miss You So Much

You guys, today was great day until I got home. I shifted through some of my old things and stumbled across an old photo. I broke down. I’ve tried forgetting and moving on, but it’s so hard. It’s so hard.

This is why.

I know that week you passed away was one of the best you were having. You were at church camp and I know you loved church and you praised God like no other. Old Man’s Cave hike was one of your favorites of the church camp. But you know, just like everyone else, I wish that you didn’t go off the trail. You wouldn’t have fallen about fifty feet and you’d still be here with us today.

Jake, oh my gosh, where do I start?

Is it hard for me to believe that it’s almost been three years since you’ve died? I stumbled across an old photo of us today that wasn’t stashed away… it was a photo from way back in the fifth grade. It was the year that we met and you became my first real friend in years. And oh my gosh, that was the year that we became best friends, promised to get married someday, and hell, you gave me my first real kiss that year and you became the first guy I truly cared about for years to come… I still really care about you.

It took me the longest time to finally look at the photos of us that I stashed away. It only took me a whole tear filled two minutes before I broke down and stashed them away again. I don’t ever talk about you to anyone; I’ll just break down and cry. No one really knows about you; not even my best friend. I can't ever bring myself to tell anyone. I just can’t come to terms with telling people everything in person, it’s just so hard. Jeez, I’m just at the brink of tears expressing this on tumblr/mibba, how do you think I’ll be telling anyone else in person?

Jake, I’m sorry I still don’t have the courage to go visit your grave and I don’t think that I’ll ever have the courage to do it; I know I’ll just break down again like it was the day I found out you died. But I promise that I will visit you after graduation and leave you flowers and the Hersey kisses you loved. Did you know that we would’ve been graduating together this year? Do you remember how you said we’ll go to the same college and live together after school?

Do you remember when you’d call me on my grandma or moms cell phone late at night just to talk to me? We’d talk all night and watch the same television shows together. We’d go for hours without talking but still being on the phone and watching television. Ha, oh my, do you remember when you showed up to my house on your bike with movies and popcorn for the first time? My mom nearly had a heart attack that there was a boy at my house wanting to spend time with her tween daughter.

I loved sitting next to you on the bus everyday. I loved the fact that you lived two streets away from me and you were always trying to come over. You were always over at my house, remember? I loved that you were. It got to the point where my mom considered you her long lost son. The best part of everything was you were not only my neighbor, my classmate, my best friend, but you were the person I love so much. I still love you so much.

It just freaking sucks that you’re gone, Jake. We had so many silly plans together of running away and getting married or moving to New York together or just simply being together. I wish that we could have lived them out like we thought we could. I love you and I miss you. Everyone does and I know that it’s hard for us to try to be able to believe that someone as special as you are gone. Oh my gosh, you were so freaking special to everyone, especially me.

I have so many regrets when it comes to us. I regret never telling you fully how I felt about you. I regret pushing you away six months before you passed away. I regret not being there for you when you came to me a month before you passed away. I regret never calling you back before you left for camp and talking to you for one last time. But we both know that I can’t take those things back into the past and change everything. I wish I could so fucking badly.I’m sorry for everything. I’m so sorry.

Jake, just please keep waiting for me in heaven and watch over me until I get there. But, I’ll be there someday and I want you to be there for me when I pass away. I want you to be there with that goofy smile of yours plastered across your face. I promise that I’ll show up as an old and wrinkled up woman with stories to tell you about life and how I wished you were there for all of it.

I love you Jake and we’ll see each other again someday.

I promise.