The Dark Is the Only Thing I See

It seems like everyone is quick to judge. Maybe that's one of our natural habits as a human. I've lived in this hellhole for a while with no escape whatsoever. My body is physically tortured by excruciating eating habits. My mind works during school but is on sleep mode when I get home. I laugh so you don't worry and I'm fine because I don't know what to feel. I am being loved by the love of my life; I can go to him for anything. Yet, I still can't tell him a thing. I miss the taste of poison spreading throughout my system and I miss the metal splitting layers of my skin. Maybe I deserve to suffer in such self destruction and melancholy.
No one understands 'cause there are few of a population who has been through times like this. Everyone either gives me sympathy or gives advice like they know what they're saying. Such fools we are to think we can help the hopeless without experiencing what they're going through. Sometimes, we can't help them at all, so we just sit there speechless, watching them crying for a release. Depression is a scary, dangerous thing, especially when you relapse. Or if you're like me and afraid to tell your parents about it. Therefore, you have no professional treatment. But don't worry about little old me, I'm only ten times worse than the first time I've been diagnosed with this disorder.
I never thought I'd be so different from every typical teenager in my race. It's surprising since we are constantly being stereotyped by society. Even our parents expect us to get good grades, but hey. Not everyone is perfect, Mommy and Daddy.
I'm surrounded by love, care, and affection. And I still can't witness that. Like I've said before, if I can't feel my own emotions, chances are that I can't feel yours either. I'm numb. All Over. Not just on the surface, but deep into the core of my body. This sadness, it has eaten me alive. It has taken control of me. I can't be happy. I haven't felt happy in years! All the smiles I give, they were only temporary. Maybe my life should be, too.
All of these words I have written are true. I don't want to hear your advice if you have never been where I am right now. I appreciate all the care but it's not enough to kill this disease. If I have failed on recovering, I am terribly sorry. It'd be best if I leave but that won't solve anything. So please excuse me as I try to swim out of this ocean; this numbness, misery, and darkness. It might take a while so in the meantime, don't stand by the shore to wait for me. Because I may never return