Change

People always tell you to accept yourself how you are and that you don't need to change for anyone. But what if I want to change for myself?

I'm known as that shy girl in the back of the class that doesn't talk, but in reality, I have a million opinions that I want to voice. I was raised to always care what people say, so I'm always afraid to say what I mean and feel because of this fear that has been instilled in me, the fear of being judged. All I've ever wanted was to be free of this. I feel like Ella Enchanted, a girl who has no choice but to live by a spell cast on her at birth. And again, as people say, life isn't a fairy tale, yet all I want to do is end up like her, free of this curse that binds to me like a magnet. I want to change my charge, repel this pull. I want to be outgoing and say what's on my mind and not give a care in the world what people think of it. I want to express myself, wear what I want, dance like no one's watching. It just doesn't feel right to accept something that makes me feel uncomfortable all the time.

I know the response to this will be "Well then just do it!" but there's one problem. I don't like hurting people with what I say. I've been hurt too many times by the words coming out of people's mouths. "Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me". I call bull. I've been banged up, bruised. I've torn my ACL and come back after an 8 month recovery. Physical pains can be overcome most of the time. It's the verbal abuse I can't stand. And if I were to say what I mean and feel all the time, I'm going to end up hurting someone I care about and hate myself for it.

Yes, there should be a censor. But will I know when to turn it on and off? That's another problem I have. No self confidence.

I need help, badly. I don't want someone's asshole opinion of "get over it". I want gradual help, not someone who's going to tell me their opinion straight up and "do as I say or you're gonna fail, again". Screw negativity. The only good thing that's ever come from that was removing that person from my life.