confession

i'm tired of it.
i'm scared.
i hate it.
but i love him.
this is what i think about ever since Friday afternoon.
i never know what to do about the little things, so how the hell am i going to cope with this?

sex:
it is pleasureable
it is sweet.
so how come when my parents find out, they tell me its poison?
i'm not a virgin. but i gave it to the right person at the right time.
they understand. but their scared.
thats what scares the living hell out of me.
when my parents are scared, i know i am. because they rarely get scared. neither do i.
i wish there was someone to talk to. i mean i have talked to him about it.
he's sweet and all, but hes scared. only because i am. and that worries me.

this morning in the cafeteria, he thought i never cried. but i cried so much this morning right on his shoulder.
God must hate me.
but i love God.
and God, i love him.
i don't want to be scared.