Bloody ***ing Hell!!!

*giggles insanely like someone who really has just lost it, then starts crying hysterically.*

I wonder how much longer I can keep up this LIE that is my life right now. I don't know what the hell is wrong with me. I mean, I think I do, because my life is a cycle, everything fits into a weird kind of routine for me, but I wonder when I'll stop acting like noting's wrong and just flip the fuck out. It's only been a week since Tony decided we should break up and I've already experienced the pain, the depression, the normality....And yet every time I come home, I feel like if I have to stare at him for one more second I'm either going to burst out in tears or start screaming that he's a traitor. And somehow I manage to go to work and make everyone think I'm okay with it, that I'm excited about getting my own place when really it hurts so bad that sometimes I lose my breath thinking about it. I get dizzy and feel lightheaded and then I take a deep breath and hold it, and it passes. The urge to start crying or to just go into the bathroom and finish it all for good because I just can't take it. It's not even that he left me, it's that it makes me feel defective, broken and useless all over again and I feel like I felt when Justin quit speaking to me. And then I wish I was already in my own place because tehn it wouldn;t metter if I came home and cried every day because there woudlnt be anyone to ask me stupid questions. I feel so close to insanity and yet for some reason, my mind is making it possible for me to behave normally...I need to find a quiet place where I can go and just lose it for a while. To just cry it all out like I want to...and try not to let myself think that it wouldn't matter if I never came back....

Oh God here we go again....
March 13th, 2007 at 03:29am