I mentioned the best friend of my fiance in my last journal.
Why does he get me riled up with a single look?
The answer then was lust. Plain and sinple, he wasn't bad looking and I love to flirt.
Now he still gets me riled.
Because now, when I look at him, I want him to die. I find it scarily easy to hate people, I have an immense capacity for it. And when I look at him, I can see his death. I can feel myself plunging a knofe into his chest. It's an interesting feeling.
Anywho. Me and the fiances 6 month anniversary today. Somehow, doing the same thing we do everyday just felt amazing. To answer my last journals question, yes. 15 year olds can feel love.
Meh. I dunno. I don't feel great now. And my usual cheer-up pint hasn't worked.
I feel like jumping out of the window. I need to feel pain.
I get like this sometimes. I have the urge to fight, to get hit, to get that kinda hurt that's just short, hard, shocking, and lasting. Getting a peircing, getting beat up, getting kicked in the gut by an overenthusiastic emo kid in his very first mosh pit. The adrenaline rush after.
We're going swimming tomorrow. The only swimsuit I can find is a stringy bikini thing. Not good. I might try and knock myself conscious underwater.
Sam (the fiance) would save me if I did. And it'd be nice to feel like that again.
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