Sadistic Apathy

Sometimes I just wonder if I can get any worse. It didn't seem possible, but it happened. I can't seem to find the right words to describe myself anymore. Whore, bitch, slut, monster? What I am is so much worse than all of those. I don't know what's causing this. Boredom? Lust? Curiosity? Most likely because I'm just a sadistic fuck. Whatever it is, it has to stop. But it won't. For me, the wrong things happen at the exact wrong time. Always. So how could I even have a faint wish for these problems to cease? I tell myself to let him sleep on it, he'll chill out in the morning and be able to talk. But then I truly think of the intensity of the situation. My heart sinks into my toes as I realize that he's going to hate me forever. Hate is a strong word. But it's still a word.

I go through my mind for things I could possibly say to make this disaster of a mess better. But things only ever work out perfectly for those who already have it all. The people with amazing lives find something better to do. But people who constantly lose it all with one step in the wrong direction only keep going downhill. Maybe you've noticed that. Or maybe you're just another cliche love line said to a partner. And if you are, then you've never experienced anything like this. Lucky you.

I know it's all of my fault. That's probably the worst part. Knowing that the entire time I well aware what the result of my actions would be. But I thought, Oh, screw it. You only live once, right? And that sure as hell is true. Which is exactly why I shouldn't have gone and fucked over someone who actually cared about me. Or used to.

I think this whole thing is just one big mind trick that I'm playing on myself. Maybe this isn't as horrible as it seems, and the reality of the situation is simply getting lost in my tangled mess of a brain. Maybe I'm overreacting and everything will work itself out tomorrow. But deep down inside, I know that things are only going to get worse. Guilt doesn't subside with ease. I just wish I could say the right thing to make everything better. Too bad I suck at getting what I mean out of my mouth. It usually comes out as the exact opposite.

The amount of my stupidity is almost immeasurable.... I'm fucking retarded. It's almost unbelievable. But then I remind myself that, Hey...I'm me! And the whole thing becomes believable, because a total wreck is something to be expected from me. I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore. How could I go and do such a thing? I'm beating myself up over it. I obviously cut him deep. And I cared about him so much. Did I actually think that I could get away with this, and nothing would happen? That the whole thing would end peacefully, and I'd have a jolly good old time. Yeah, okay. I have horrible karma or something. It hits me almost instantly, and always with a sick twist of irony. The worse the deed, the worse I get hit. It always seems worse to you when bad things are happening to you, right? I've noticed that too.

If I could bear to look in the mirror, my eyes would be bloodshot. Either from emptying all the moisture in my body through them, or being so damn tired. Or both. I'm in one of those situations where if you even try to feel sorry for yourself, you only end up hating yourself more. And right now I despise myself. Is this even possible? Or do you have to be crazy like me to feel this way? Is there any turning back for the direction I'm going? Because these mistakes seem so permanent and life determining. Some people say they carve into me and make me who I am. Others say mistakes help me learn. For me, my mistakes only bring me one step closer to hell, whatever that may be. And for a person like me, I just might like it there.