Well... I've been crying my eyes out for the last two hours. It's a pretty stupid thing, but it's getting to me. Really bad. So... I don't know. I don't even know why I'm writing this...
In class today, we watched Star Wars Episode IV. I sat there for the whole thing, straight through, not even a bathroom break. The movie ends and right away, he starts talking about what an iconic movie it was and how much he liked it and what it had done for the film industry and all that. He then asks who had seen the movie. Me plus five others scattered around the room raised our hands. Now, I don't usually talk in this class at all. When I watch a movie, it takes me a while to form an opinion on it; I have to process it a little, figure it out in pieces. I have to take it apart and put it back together.I figured he would probably ask what we thought of it, but I thought I had a minute to come up with an answer, since he usually starts with this girl, across the room, and works his way over to my side. This time he started with me. It took me off guard a little, and I honestly hadn't thought about my own opinion of the movie yet; I was still kind of trying to nail down the story. Not having a fully formed opinion of the whole movie, I spit out something about the characters. I said I thought they were interesting and all that. I kind of talked about their personalities. I talked for about a whole minute. He's just staring at me the whole time, and, when I was done, he just bursts out laughing. About half the class did too. Then he says "Well, moving on from that, what did you think ____?" still half laughing.
I was really embarrassed, but I didn't think too much of it until I walked out of the classroom and he says to me "R2D2 and Chewbacca will be waiting when you come back." And I didn't really know what he was talking about, except that those were the two characters I talked about most, but it felt like an insult somehow. I don't know. Maybe it's just me. Maybe I just took it the wrong way. It hurt a lot though and I nearly cried on the spot.
I pushed it away for a while. I picked my mom up from work, ate dinner, and went out to the grocery story with her. I was good for about two hours after we got home. It was quiet after that, and I had free brain time. And the whole thing hit me full force. I started crying really bad. I waited until I could breathe again, and I went to talk to my mom. I guess I had this idea that she would care. She pretty much told me that I had completely made an idiot of myself, but it didn't matter because it's okay to look like a fool sometimes and I was doing it to her right now, so what's the difference? She pretty much said that I was bound to do it again tomorrow and the day after so I just just get used to it and get over it.
I said thanks, and told her I was fine now, but the I haven't stopped crying. I can't breathe right. My head won't stop hurting. I don't know what to do. I don't know why this is bothering me so much. It shouldn't be. I don't know. I just want it to stop.
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