The last three or so years have been miserable for me. If you ask me now, I can't tell you why exactly I used to feel that way, only that it was one of the worst things I've ever experienced. I was only recently able to tell my therapist that I was feeling depressed, and that's only because I no longer feel that way. I never wanted to take medication or be diagnosed. I just wanted to fix myself.
And I guess, through several bouts of depression and all the angsty stuff that comes with it, I've kind of done that. It's almost impossible to think about. Just a few months ago - or last year, really - I couldn't think of one solid reason that I should plow through the rest of life feeling the way I felt. When you feel like that, in my opinion, it takes more than a couple of slaps in the face to see it any other way. Logically, I knew people cared about me, and I also knew that there were still people and things that I cared about. Regardless, I felt the same. Nothing was enough for me.
Even, or especially now, I feel like I am walking an extremely fine line between stability/happiness and depression. I believe that that will always be a part of my life. I'll always have a part of me that wants to slip back into self-destruction and stagnancy because it was easier than fighting it and I used to believe I was comfortable like that. Safe, even.
I think it took going to a different school and losing my old friends to realize where that state of mind was leading me. One of the main reasons I really started self-destructing was because I couldn't see the point in anything anymore. I asked myself the age old, over-cliched "what is the point of life?" too many times to count. And you know what's funny? I never found any answer even close to satisfying the question. I still don't have one. It took me a long time to get over the fact that there really isn't an answer - at least not for me. Not yet.
Yeah, maybe it's a little ridiculous. But I'm not really here for much of anything. I asked people what they thought of that once or twice. Collectively, I received the answer of "we're here to reproduce and die, so what?"
No, I don't think that's quite right. We're here to do so many more possibly mundane, possibly exhilarating, everyday and extraordinary things. To go to huge, ridiculous barbeques and to eat so much food it nearly hurts, to make new friends and talk to people you normally wouldn't, to sing in front of people who might privately curse you to hell for having the voice of a half-strangled elephant. To just... do stuff. Not necessarily to live, because that's too broad and it encompasses a whole other subset of stuff that might be destructive or otherwise depressing.
And I'm not bashing the people who still feel depressed, or trying to say that everyone should just wake up and realize what they're missing. I've been there, and while I felt like that I didn't think I would ever change. I wouldn't wish that feeling upon anyone in my life.
The sad truth is, some people might never feel okay. Some won't give themselves the chance to change, and some just have such a hard time that it might not actually seem worth it. To anyone who has felt or still feels this way, I don't think being depressed is irreparable. I also don't think there is anything someone can say or do that will fix you justlikethat. There is no magical cure.
And so I don't want to give anyone Serious Advice to Live by, because most people aren't looking for any and it usually leads to trouble, but I will say one thing. If there are people in your life that make you unhappy, they are not worth it. Whether you have a stupid or legitimate reason for disliking them, don't feel like you have to stick with anyone (or anything) that makes you unhappy forever; nothing is permanent.
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