She no longer exists to me.

Recently my friend attempted suicide. She gave me a suicide letter, and told me that she would be waiting for me in "Duat," which is a name for the Egyptian afterlife. After 48 hours of mourning the loss of a dear friend, I was able to move on. It was her choice, and so I respected it. I was never angry, I was simply detached and depressed. My heart and soul felt the void of a missing being; she tore herself from my being. After these hours, I was able to patch up the void and my spirit was healing.

A mutual acquaintance of ours was making some interesting posts on tumblr, so I asked her if she had heard from our friend. She told me that our friend was in hospital. I was shocked. I didn't know what I was going to say to her if she survived, but to my soul she had already been laid to rest.

I don't think I can ever go back to how I was with my friend. Too many tears were shed for this. She no longer exists to me, and maybe that's what she wanted. I feel for her greatly, but I know I could not survive if she were to do this again. I don't want to have to do this again with her, kill her twice in my heart and soul. My spirit can only take so many holes. She cannot re-fill the void. She's gone as far as my soul is concerned.

It's a cruel and horrible thing to say, but this is how I feel. I am pessimistic by nature, and I never felt that there was much hope for her. Perhaps it was a passing fancy that she'd wind up in hospital, a dream, but never real hope. This is why she died in my eyes. She's a different person to me now, a newborn babe. I think her friend who went to visit her knows her mental state, and she understands that my friend is holding on by a thin thread. I almost wish she would just find her peace already. I mourn too quickly, and this is my fault. I move on, a silent soldier through the world. I fight for her, and move on for her, so she can rest her head down and sleep.

It hurts more to see that she doesn't want to be here and is stuck than it would if she were really dead right now. At least then I'd have closure.