Uh this is Aki updating on June 7th, 2012. Let me tell you right now, I've had a crazy...crazy week. I don't even know what is up with me at times, but for some reason I just don't care. Yeah, I know what you're probably saying. "Is it because of your girlfriend?" "Is it because of that one special person?" or some of you may be saying "Is it because you just don't give a fuck."
Well, let me tell you this. Yeah, it is because of my girlfriend and honestly this entire journal entry is about my girlfriend. Don't like it? Fuck off and read some other shit. And if she's reading, sorry about my language some people just piss me off. ( Not you either Bri. You know who you are. :P)
Alright, well let me tell you this. March 10th, I broke up with the love of my life over something so fucking stupid that I kick myself in the ass everytime I think of it. And it's funny that the entire night I cried and thought of her trying to make myself forget her when it's utterly obvious no joke that..I could never forget her. I mean, this is the first time I've actually felt real love and it's so weird. So on March 11th, I ran back to her and poured my heart out and now March 11th is our new anniversary. To be honest, in four days it'll be the 3rd month we've been together since then. So I supposed I made this as an early anniversary gift to her, just pouring my heart out in a more poetic and loving way as her beloved boyfriend (yes, I am the man in the relationship wanna fight about it? )
Now everyone who is reading, I'm going to be talking to her right now so...just tune out if you don't wanna hear. I made this for her anyway.
I realized. A long time ago when we first started dating but I realized. You are broken. Most likely because of the way you were treated during your life but you're broken. But I can't help the one moment I saw you to want that face to look at me smiling everyday and hope that it is in joy. No smile is more beautiful than yours, because your smile is the one of the broken. You make me weak to my knees, I can't stand if someone hurts you and I treat you as though you're fragile when I have to realize that you aren't. If you need me, you'll call on me and I'll be there to stand by your side. Even if everyone in the world hated us, we'd be able to look to each other and hold one another and smile at each other filled with love and happiness.
I can't help but remember when I first fell in love with you. Did I ever tell you? It was a little of a week before I asked you out. Everytime you logged on, I would grin and try to be the first one to greet you. I'd run so I could see you and I actually waited patiently so I could talk to you even though you were talking to your friends. I loved when your attention was on me, I loved when you spoke to me. I loved when you loved me. It's utterly amazing how much I wanted you to love me. When you said yes, my heart literally exploded. I was in love, I wanted to show you everything. I wanted you to see me. I wanted you to see the world the way I saw it. But more importantly, I wanted you to see my heart.
This little heart that beats for no one but you. I wanted you to see that, and everytime I made you upset or sad I would kick myself and beat myself up inside desperate to see you smile again.
You and only you have made me laugh one hundred million times. At times I would smile at the screen just when you told me you loved me and hugged me. I longed to feel your arms around me, and I can wait for the day to be able to hold you. You're special to me, everything to me. I wouldn't care if you were ugly and were deaf and dumb. I would love you and hold you and appreciate you because you are you. I know that seems farfetched but it is the truth. I could never love anything more perfect than you. You complete me; you're perfect. I can't stand when you think of yourself as a burden. If you are a burden, then burden me more and more.
That means I'll be able to hold you more and love you as much as I want. I don't care. I could never care if the entire world hated you. I'd be the one to love you to pieces. They can hate me as well. I love you. I love you even when you shut down and hide yourself. I love you even when you're emotionless towards me. I love you when your face is covered in tears. I love you when you aren't near me. I love you when you're hugging and kissing me. I love you even when I left you to protect you from me. BUt you showed me, I don't have to protect you from me. Because you told me that you loved me, and you would love me despite that.
That I can trust and believe in you. I don't have to go to anyone but you. That is why I love you. And I HATE that I can't express my love to you in any way but words, but I promise when I hold you in my arms you'll be loved within the inch of your life. I'm in love with you, and I would give you everything and anything if it satisfied you. At times I believe I am obsessed with you, but my obsession for you; I just can't contain it.
That is true. I found someone that I could never live without. I miss you when you're away from me. I wait for you whenever you aren't near me. And if you left me, I would wait and wait and wait for you to come back. No one else that I loved could match up to you, there is only one me and there is only one you. And the you that I see is the one that I would love to eternity and I wish I could show you that in a way more than words. I would kiss you senseless, I would hold you to my chest and whisper sweet nothings in your ears. I would love to sit with you on a date and just watch movies and lay my head in your lap and talk to you without even paying attention to the movie. I could be distracted by you for hours. I would love listening to you talk randomly may it be about something you hate or someone else you love.
Even if it would pain my heart, listening to your voice would make me happy. When I broke up with you, it was like a knife through my heart. I don't even know why I did something stupid as that. But what truly surprised me is that you accepted me back with a heart whole ready to hold mines once again. But what I realized was, my heart never moved from your grasp. I wanted you. I love you. I needed you. I wanted everything about you. And I still do. Diamond, I want you. I want you bad. I don't know why, but I just do. I won't ask for anything else, I swear to you. I have your heart and you have mine, and I just want you to love me without any doubt.
If you ever are hurt or have no one to rely on, look to me. I will love you MORE than anyone will ever. Your friends, your family, I'll love you regardless. I won't be with anyone more than I am with you. You have my all. I love you. I really really love you.
Now I'm out of breath with things I want to say. I guess the only thing left to say is. I'm yours baby.. <3