Urge to Purge

Let me start off by saying that I don't have an eating disorder, despite popular belief I am not anorexic. I can't even count how many times people have asked me if I'm anorexic or say something like, "God you're so anorexic! Eat something already!" I do eat. I eat a lot. But usually at night. I don't like eating during the day. And lately well... something's changed about eating for me.

I grew up with a family of gourmet chefs, so naturally food has been a favorite of mine for many years. I love eating. At least, I used to.

It started last summer. I didn't feel like making myself breakfast, nothing too out of the ordinary, but slowly it turned into I didn't want to make breakfast. Why? Because I like feeling hungry. I like the empty, slightly painful feeling of hunger. I know that's a horrible thing to say, but it's true. Last summer I didn't eat much, even at night. Not because I have body image issues, I love myself, but because I just liked being hungry. I still like being hungry.

When I went into the hospital for suicidal ideation everyone there thought I had an eating disorder too. The staff, the other patients. I didn't eat much, just salad and cheerios. That is literally all I ate. But it's because I'm a spoiled baby who grew up with fancy ass food all her life and hospital food is shit.

Once I got out of the hospital and started attending say treatment, I met a lot of girls with eating disorders. All of which stemmed from body image issues. I became very close to two girls who were bulimic.

I never understood how people could do that. I hate throwing up. Why would I ever want to do it on purpose?

Lately when I do eat I feel disgusted. Even if it's my favorite food I feel incredibly gross.

And now sometimes the thought of purging crosses my mind. That's how disgusted I get by eating food. I've never done it, and I don't plan on it, but the thoughts still fill my mind.

The reason I'm writing this is because I just ate a huge breakfast with my grandmother, and now I'm utterly disgusted. I want to get rid of it.

I don't have an eating disorder. I don't. Do I?