Don't mind me, I just need to get this off my chest.

I'm staring at my keyboard, trying to think of some way to just... let it all out. Let every single thing that's bothering me out.

The thing is, this isn't just some teen angst that...No. I'm trying to make excuses, but I know there is none. I know that... I know I'm being weak. I have no right to feel the way I feel. I have a nice life. I finished school, high school at least. I have a computer, a phone, an iPod, and a tv. I obviously have internet connection. I have practically everything, and there are people in the world who have nothing. So what the fuck gives me the right to think the things I'm thinking? Why am I so selfish?

I can't tell anyone, because they'll tell me how selfish I'm being, or that I need to get over it. And they'd be right. Because I do. Need to get over it, that is. I need to stop crying. I need to stop doing whatever the fuck I am doing to make me think like this. I need to stop trying to find ways that I could end it.

But I can't, because I'm a coward and scared shitless to admit that something's wrong. Because I'm not allowed... I'm not terminally ill, like my step dad. I'm not diagnosed with any fucking illness. I'm nothing. I'm nothing and that's why I can't be so dramatic. That's why it shouldn't matter.

I've been... whatever this is for four years, and nobodies noticed, so clearly it's nothing major, right? It's like what they say, "If it's not worth noticing, it's nothing worth while."

I'm literally pulling my hair out I'm so confused and lost and hurting and just... I don't deserve to be hurting. I'm nobody. I'm not starving, there's food on the table. I'm not sick, and if I were, we have medicine.

I'm just a 17 year old girl covered in scars.

It's come to be so bad that I'm actually scared to think. I'm scared of what I'll think. I'm scared that thinking will lead to a fourth attempt...

And I'm scared because I don't deserve to die, and yet I want to so badly.

I want to get away from all this shit that keeps getting thrown my way. I want to get away from hopes continuously getting crushed. I want to get away from people telling me that my dream won't come true, and that I shouldn't quit my dayjob because I'm just not good enough. I want to get away from a mother who screams and yells and says things she probably doesnt mean and never says sorry when she needs to.

I want to stop being a failure.
I want to go to my dream school.
I want to be at least mildly pretty, as childish as it sounds.
I want to be able to look people in the eyes and tell them nothings wrong.
I want to be loved.
I want to be free.
I want to be somebody to be proud of.

Fuck, I want my mother to tell me she's proud of me for something I've accomplished, and not for doing my chores.

I want somebody who actually see's how much pain I'm in and won't get mad when I tell them why.

I want to go back to my freshmen year of high school when my mother originally found out I was cutting myself, and for her to get me help. I want her to not scream at me when I tell her that it's because of her. I want her to understand.

I want to stop being weak. Because only weak people want to die.

I dont want to want to die.

I don't want to try a fourth suicide attempt.

I don't want to feel empty.

I just want, just once, to be able to wake up and actually smile.

I know I'm being selfish, and I'm sorry. I really am. I want too many things out of life, I expect too much, and I hate it. I hate that I'm so weak, I hate that I have to make everything about me. I hate all this.

But it hurts too much. And I'm fucking scared of what I'll do if I don't talk about it. So here I am.

Talking to myself via internet. Because, if nobody in real life cares, nobody in cyber space will either. I just need to accept that.

Time to paint the fake smile on my face. Because I don't deserve to hurt.