Ok, I feel as if I have no one to talk to, so why not express it anonymously on the web, right? I just feel really hopeless, useless and sad right now. The sad thing is is that I woke up this morning in such a happy mood, I have the day off, my family are out of the house, it's raining, and I was hoping to have a complete relaxation fest guiltily playing Sims 3, which I haven't played in over two years. I was just looking forward to my private nerdy day.
Why was I happy? Well, I have just finished really important exams, my last one being yesterday. So I was looking forward to the whole summer free of study, but then, about an hour ago, I received a text that completely fucked up my day. From my best friend.
To give you the general background about this unfortunate series of events, I am a fifteen year old girl, who goes to a bitchy, all-girls school. I would say I love my small group of friends of about five, but recently, especially this year, our group has been falling apart. One girl, let's call her Jess, has completely been ignoring us to study and she just doesn't tell us anything anymore. She's too shady. Speaking of her studying, ok, I'll be honest, we are a bit of a swatty group, but I can definitely say we are not a 'nerdy' or unpopular (a bit) group. In fact, I can get on very well with girls from the 'popular' group. But I don't know, the stuff the popular group talk about is so boring, they only ever talk about drinking and bitching about other people in the popular group who are not present in the discussion at the time. Yet they are the group who seem to have the most fun. I feel like crying when I look at my Facebook newsfeed and see all the pictures of the parties and nights out I know I'll never be invited to. It really breaks my heart. Ok, now that I think more about it, I realize I need to break up this story into steps.
Step 1: The Unfortunate Incident of My Best Friend Turning Into a Dumb, Cold Bitch.
Ok, it may sound harsh, but it's true. This ex-best friend is a different girl to the one I mentioned at the start who sent me that lousy text. (I hope you're still hanging in there, I hope it isn't too confusing!) Let's call this ex-best friend Lisa. I was best friends with Lisa since I was about nine years old. I cringe to think I told her everything, all my little secrets and worries, that I trusted her with. Ok, I'll admit it, I loved Lisa (in a friend way), she was my funnest friend, whenever I went to a social outing it was always because of her, she was my most popular friend. She's stunning too, and blonde, grr. But then, everything changed.
When we moved into secondary school together, we were put into different classes, but we actually became closer. About a year and a half of secondary school passed, we saw each other every weekend, we lived in each other's houses and everything seemed to be going well. But then, half-way though our second year of secondary school, she changed.
I should have seen the tell-tale signs, the way she whipped her innocent straight hair into that ridiculous messy bun that all the popular girl's have, the way she seemed to become more dismissive, the way she began to mention drinking (a lot) even though she had previously sworn she would never do it. And then, we went to this stupid summer camp where our relationship officially ended. The second we stepped out of the bus on our arrival at the summer camp, she turned her back to me and went off with girls who were admittedly more popular then me. I wasn't good enough for her anymore.
I ended up hanging out with two other girls, who were also my friends from school (but not as close to me as Lisa was), and they are two of the members of my dissatisfying group today. But these two girls, let's call them Ciara and Megan, are really, really nice. Not like Lisa at all, and Ciara is in fact the girl who is now my best friend, the one who sent me the unfortunate text earlier today.
So Lisa ended up becoming the Summer-Camp slut who constantly flirted with all the boys and wore close to nothing, and it was absolutely crushing for me, every time I passed and I said 'Hi' she wouldn't even have the courtesy to glance at me, so I ended up returning the favor. That Summer-Camp was meant to be a fun-filled experience, but instead I ended up humiliated and devastatingly home-sick. I still lie to my parents saying I had fun there, considering they paid a lot for it, but the truth still hurts more then a year later.
To add insult to injury, when September came around, Lisa became part of the popular group. She ended up going to all the parties, and I almost ended up deleting my facebook account when the pictures of her having the time of her life haunted my news feed. So, that is step one over, onto step two.
Step Two- The Popular Group
Ah, the popular group, where do I even begin. Originally, at the start of secondary school, there was about fifteen girls in it. Then, the disease spread and over the course of three years they are now verging on about thirty members. The popular group control my year in my school. If you are not in it, you basically are not invited to anything and you know no boys. The annoying thing is, there is a price to pay for being in it. I don't know, they just seem so shallow. Their conversation topics range across these subjects:
♦ Drinking
♦ How they act when they're drunk
♦ Funny incidents that happen when they're drunk
♦ Funny incidents that have happened to other people when they're drunk
♦ How they get drink
♦ Who they get drink from
♦ where they hide the drink
♦ Who's going out with who
♦Who's ugly and who's an annoying skank.
Yeah, they definitely don't have deep and meaningful conversation. But it still seems like they have so much fun.
Step Three - The Lead-Up
Ok, this is the lead-up to what has put me in a bad mood now. So, plans were being made in May for the after-exams parties that me and my friends would not be invited to. And it turns out that tomorrow night, the populars are all marching off to this fantastic end-of-year party at this girl, Laura's, house and all the hot guys are going and they have all been talking about how wasted they're going to get. At first, I really really didn't care, but the text today changed my opinion.
Step Four - And Finally...
Ok, the moment you've been waiting for, that text. Now unfortunately for you it's not something dramatic like someone died or someone had sex, but it really upset me. My best friend Ciara, texted me saying:
"Ha. So it turns out basically the whole year except Rachel and our group is going to the party tonight."( Rachel is a loner weird girl in our school who is devastatingly annoying and who no-one likes, god love her)
And it hit me. Our group never has fun. No-one likes us. I'm the only one who ever tries to organize social outings and no one is ever able to go because of studying or because they have some music practice or something stupid like that. I haven't had a social life since Christmas when I went away on holiday and met these amazing people my age and I admittedly drank loads for the first time just to see what it was like. These holiday people are the only friends I ever think about now, and I still talk to them on Facebook but they live in a different country to me, unfortunately. And I realized from that text, since we are the few people who weren't invited, people must think we're dull and boring and weird. But I know I'm not like that, with my holiday friends I was a completely different person because I didn't feel like the popular group were there to judge me and I discovered I was actually funny because a hot guy I had a crush on there told me I was hilarious. And he wasn't taking the piss. I just wasn't afraid to joke around and act like a fool, because I wasn't being judged by that composed, judging, bitchy popular group. I had the time of my life on that holiday.
And that text just made me feel so worthless, so dissatisfied with my life as a teenager at home, and I burst into tears when I read it, even though I'm not the crying type. I had never wanted to admit it, but I realized I wanted to be in that popular group. I want to be part of the bitching, drinking group who have boyfriends and seem to have so much fun. I just want to have a good time in my teenage years, but there seems to be a frustrating barrier to it.
Step 5- Wait for it....
Lisa is also going to the party. I have deleted my Facebook app for the next week to spare me from the photos.
So that's my rant. Thank-you if you have survived my moaning and groaning up to this point. If you want to comment, please be words of comfort more then anything else, I'm not in the mood for pointless trolling comments right now. I just feel as if I have no one to talk to. I feel ashamed to even say anything to my parents, because I don't want them to know how unpopular I seem to be, and I know they were popular when they were my age, I've heard the stories.
I feel like a failure.
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