Cut

So I'm laying on the sofa with my bf the other day, watching mah little man playing on the floor, & I'm turning my wrist around in front of my bf's face looking at my new tattoo & out of the blue he says to me 'do you self harm'

I have a sort of mini heart attack, since the last time I was asked that I got called an attention seeking liar. But still I answer him 'yeah, a long time ago' he shrugs & says 'I reckonise the scars on your arm' & leaves it at that.

But them I'm thinking... what if I needed to self harm again. I've never self harmed for attention, so I've always hidden the cuts (I used to wear sweatbands/arm warmers/long sleeves for fashion, not just to cover the cuts)

But if I needed too again (& I've thought about it A LOT recently, I have a lot of drama going on atm with my baby's sperm donor) where could I hide the cuts. Arms are obvs out, cos I don't wear anything on my arms anymore since I got tats to show off. Legs & stomach are out, since I obvs have sex with my bf & he would ask a lot of awkward questions if I suddenly wanted to keep my shirt on.

& now I feel like my crutch has been taken away & a little bit of the foundation of my life has been shattered. Cos I always thought I'd been able to fight my demons & my addiction. I dragged myself out of the bottle, stopped hurting myself & tried to put myself back together.

But now I've realised, I've been relying on the fact that I could always cut myself again if I had too. I monitor my drinking very very closely now, but I'd always been living with the thoughts that I could cut if I wanted to.

And although I've been thinking about it alot at the moment, it was just a passing thought, never an actual want (which I have never been able to deny) its now slowly but surely turning into a need.

I've realised I pulled my life back together on a lie. I'm living with the fact my son is going to pay for all my mistakes with his father & I can't stop whats happening or protect him & I'm just internalising that pain, cos I can't talk to anyone about it.

And now I'm feeling like I want to go into my kitchen and get a knife. & I can't, & that is seriously freaking me out. I'm starting to sweat. There is a knot of spines in my belly. My head is spinning.

I've not felt like this in so long. So I'm trying to be mature, I'm trying to talk my feelings out. My temples are pounding. I'm starting to think about sex in addition to cutting myself.

Talking is really not helping right now. What am I going to do? There is no where I can do it he won't see. This is my coping mechanism & I'm dealing with things in my own way. I don't want anyone to know.

I'm really starting to freak out now. I'm going to get a glass of water & see if that helps...