I always told myself I would never fall in love with the wrong guy. How could I? I'm not attracted to them. Or so I thought. I have not had many men in my life that I have trusted, and I have not fallen in love with any, but I have felt feelings towards a few that left me wanting more.
Before I go any further, I should justify that when I say 'the wrong guy', I mean someone who smokes or does drugs, who is a player, abusive, and, or, a heartless prick. I always told myself I could not love someone like this, however, there was one thing I did not take into consideration. Everybody can lie.
When I was in high school, I met this guy named Chris. He was the first male outside my family that I ever trusted. He use to meet me at school every afternoon, and although all my friends did not like him, I found myself becoming more and more attracted to him. He continuously got himself into trouble. Not with the law, but in general trouble. I think he must have been in love with danger, because I could not tell you how many times he would call to say he had jumped out of a moving car, or off the edge of a cliff. Once, he was stabbed in the stomach with a screw driver by a drug dealer. Honestly, I think he had faced death so many times it did not scare him like it should. Chris was a touchy subject that consumed four years of my life. He treated me better than right, which is why I could not look past the fact that he was a pysco who tried to get himself killed on a weekly basis, or that towards the end, he was engaged to another women who gave birth to his child when he was still trying to get in my pants. I've spent the past two years trying to remove him from my life, and although I recently lost all forms of contact with him, the pain has not faded away.
After I left school, I met this guy named Kenneth. We were employeed by the same company and he was transfered to the restaurant I worked in and he became my new manager. It only took a couple of months before we were seeing each other outside work and flirting in and out of the workplace. To be completly honest with you, I think the main reason I was attracted to Kenneth was because he came along just at the right time and took my mind off of Chris. I never found myself thinking of Kenneth too seriously. He was always just a bit of fun for me. He was the biggest player I knew at the time. He went out every weekend looking to pick someone up, and to my surprise, I was okay with it. On some level, I encouraged him by pointing out all the good looking ladies that passed us when we were out. In the end, we wrecked it by jumping into bed together before he left for Ireland for three months. That was when I realised I had stronger feelings for him than I thought, and I knew that I was only another girl to him. Kenneth and I still work together now, and luckily time has healed a lot of the wonds between us. While he was in Ireland, we did not speak at all and when he came back, our friendship was on the rocks. That was a long time ago though, and we have managed to find ourselves a nice medium between co-workers and where we were heading in the past.
There is one last guy I would like to address here; Zack. Zack is gorgeous. He is every girls dream come true. Honestly. He has the looks, the sense of humour, and he knows how to make a girl feel right. When I first met Zack, this is all I saw. I knew that he smoked, and that was hard for me to accept, but then he started using cocaine. When it started, I was well and truly on my way to falling in love with him, so everything I had ever told myself went straight out the window. I could not leave him, and honestly, I did not want to. The drugs took over his life and he ended up leaving me. Although it hurt seeing him the way he was, knowing I could not help him, it hurt more not seeing him at all.
I have always had someone there to kept my mind off the previous failed attempts of a relationship I have had. They may not have been straight after each other, but they were the reason I was able to completely move on. I had Kenneth after Chris, and Zack after Kenneth, but after Zack I had no one. I did not want anyone. If dating is going to be this complicated, then I'm hell bent on being single.
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