Judgement Call

Have you ever found yourself in a predicament in which you can't decide if something is true or false - whether you want one or the other? I'm not talking about making an enormous decision such as choosing between an apple or an orange. I'm talking about trying to figure out if a friend is a true friend or pretentious friend. Every person I meet, I always ask myself whether or not I made the right decision to become this person's friend. And after believing that the person is my friend, I begin to doubt myself - and I am not wrong to do so. Almost every single person I met has betrayed me. But, it's my fault for trusting the person and giving the person many chances to redeem himself.

In my opinion, I thought a standard friend would support and stand up for you when someone speaks poorly of you. But, I was wrong. My friend just stood there and listened to me fight and argue for myself. Not once did she support me or tell me that I was right to stand up to the person, who deliberately sprays perfume in the room to see my allergic reaction start. Maybe I had too high of an expectation. Maybe I just made a poor judgment call. Also, I never thought that "friends" expect you to change or to be someone else. Why do I have to always be happy or peppy to hang out or to talk to people? Am I not allowed the right to be unhappy for once? And when I need to talk to someone about anything, I am told to "filter" myself. Yes, what great friends have I.

Although I want to believe in every single person, I can't possibly do it anymore. I have become this person who needs to test the people before she trusts them. It's the best way I could protect myself. In the end, I am a stronger person because of these poor judgement calls, but it doesn't say much about my character. I always make the mistake of who to call a friend. Maybe I'm not meant to have a true friend to talk to about anything. I always get hurt. But, I don't believe a true friend doesn't exist, I just have a hard time finding one.